Endless Love

With Food.

I’m writing this today because I can’t get my mind off my weight. I have an almost paralyzing fear of getting fat again.

I have been fat for most of my life. I could blame my parents, friends or just being from the south but that’s not why. We southerners pride ourselves on cooking the richest most caloric comfort food imaginable. I don’t remember any traumatic event that made me overeat.

I remember the first time I became aware that I was more than just plump. Maybe I was 10 or so and overheard the doctor tell my mom that if I kept gaining weight at that rate, I’d end up in a wheelchair. I was crushed. My mother did things to try to help me after that such as buy things we considered diet foods then. I think I ate canned tuna and english peas solid for 2 weeks! haha She paid for me to join Weight Watchers and that wasn’t easy as poor as we were.

When I was 14 or 15, I did get to my goal weight of 137 lbs which is small for me. I’m 5’8″. I felt pretty and loved that feeling. From then on, being fat devastated me. I gained that weight back. I felt ugly. I felt worthless and not important.

I just liked to eat. My brothers and sisters were not fat but they ate the same things I ate. I wasn’t active. I did play some sports with my dad and brothers but for the most part, I was a couch potato watching westerns: Gunsmoke, Big Valley, Lancer, High Chaparell….all my favorites!

I lost the weight again at 17 years old. I bought the cutest clothes and enjoyed people and particularly boys liking me. And at 18 I got married and pregnant soon after and that sealed my fate! Fat for life.

I love food. I consider myself a foodie. I’ve heard people equate foodaholic with alcoholic but I’m not sure it’s the same. You must eat and you don’t have to drink alcohol. So to me, a foodaholic has a lesser chance of beating that demon.

I’m a social eater. I love trying new foods and restaurants. I have over the last few years learned to appreciate the beauty and taste of food not the quantity.

I can never go on a diet that I can’t live my life by. I don’t over do it but I don’t exclude things I love. If I want a Cadbury Egg, I have one and either account for it in my calories or do extra exercise.

I regret not loosing the weight years ago.

(Brachioplasty scar is getting better and better)



6 thoughts on “Endless Love

  1. I agree with your comparison to alcohol. I always say that. You don’t have to have alcohol to survive but you need to eat. I saw where you ran in St Louis the other day. I love in St Charles. I didn’t even know there was a run.

      1. I have been trying to find local races. I have just started trying my hand at jogging. I call it my walk/jog. Eventually, I hope to jog a 5k. I have walked them but never jogged.

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