I know the word “fat” is a derogatory word to many. But “fat” best describes how I felt. I’m not making a judgement on others.
I have been overweight most of my life with periods of time where I had lost the weight back in my teen years. Being an overweight girl has to be the one of the worst experiences particularly for teenage girls and especially for a teen-aged girl who adored boys at an early age like I did.
At those times when I got to my goal weight, it was always because I counted calories and exercised. I remember taking up running when I was about 16 years old. I loved it. I thought I was special. Growing up in a rural area, most people did not exercise other than their physical work such as yard work, farming, basketball, baseball etc.
I was a tom-boy all my life. I still am. I played baseball, basketball and football with my brothers and male cousins.
I always dreamed of doing outdoor things such as skiing, traveling, hunting, hiking, running, climbing trees and mountains. But I was overweight and feared being made fun of so I did not dare try most of those things. Also, as an overweight girl, I just wasn’t physically able.
I was a thin girl in a fat girl’s body.
I’ve always been active even as an overweight woman but it wasn’t easy. I’m a busy person. I don’t like downtime. I want to see and experience everything that I can even if I was worn out. My mother told Kevin when she first met him that he would have a hard time keeping up with me because I was go, go, go! That has stuck with Kevin and he knows it to be true.
I have never let my weight stop me from hiking, traveling or exploring. I am GO! GO! GO! But it has never been easy. Being fat, my clothes were never pretty, I was uncomfortable, sweaty and keenly aware that I was unattractive.
One thing stands out in my mind is when Kevin and I went to the Grand Canyon. With the high elevations, I could hardly walk without having to rest. What a disappointment to be at one of the most beautiful places in the world and not be able to explore it the way I wanted to.
The same with the “Red Rock Canyons” in Sedona, AZ. A beautiful piece of “out of this world” beauty. I did climb “Bell Rock” with Kevin but I was so sad that I couldn’t enjoy it from being so out of breath.
Flash forward to now. I’m at my goal weight. I am still go, go, go! I feel great. I have almost never-ending energy. I look good in my pretty and stylish clothes. I have moments where I look so small that I don’t recognize myself. When I sit in airplane seats or cross my legs, I feel small and fit. I don’t mind standing in the line at a grocery store with only Cadbury eggs in my hand to pay. I used to sneak and do that or have Kevin do it. I knew people would look at me and think “yeah, a fat girl buying candy, figures” 🙂
But most of the time, that is not what I see when I look in the mirror. The mirror can be your cruel friend.
I am a fat girl in a thin girl’s body.
I don’t see what others see most of the time. Sometimes I still automatically look for where the bigger women clothes are in Macy’s. I often refer to myself as fat to my co-workers without even thinking. They usually correct me and remind me that I am not fat. I still wonder if people look at me and automatically know I used to be fat. When I’m running, I used to be paranoid that people will be laughing at that big girl running….that still enters my mind many times.
On the other hand, I am happy that I lost weight when I did. I want to experience everything that a normal sized person experiences. I love being smaller.
For any women (or man) who says they are happy even when they are obese, I don’t believe it.
I’m not saying body size is everything. What I am saying that being smaller and healthier allows you to enjoy life better, enjoy your children better, explore better, enjoy sex better, enjoy being around people better…..
I have this on another of my blog pages but bears repeating 🙂 I could probably add to this list at least once a day….
Fat v. Thin
~ Can cross my legs (my all time favorite)
~ Fit in Airplane seats more comfortably (what a difference!)
~ Fit in any booth in any restaurant
~ Can shop anywhere not just fat woman sections
~ Can stand in line and buy candy without worrying what people think of me
~ I can (almost) keep up with my 6 year old grandson
~ I am more outgoing
~ People look me in the eye (fat women know what I mean about this)
~ I fit comfortably in my small car
~ I love having my picture made (I’m a ham!)
~ My self confidence is through the roof
~ I look small in my big bed (says my husband)
~ I can sit on the floor crossed leg like a kid
~ I LOVE jeans!
~ I can tie my shoes
~ I can exercise (especially run)
~ My resting heart rate is 58
~ My feet are smaller and not puffy (still ugly, though)
~ I feel attractive and notice men looking at me
~ My husband can wrap his arms around me
~ I really enjoy the taste of food, not the amount
~ Not dreading getting dressed in the morning and hiding my muffin top
~ Wearing all the pretty shirts and fitting women’s shirts
~ Sex is better (still not frequent!!) 🙂
My biggest regret is waiting so long to get leaner and healthier. I pray for many years to enjoy my new self.