Runner’s Guilt and a Heavy Heart

Yesterday was my 3 mile run day and so I ran 6.2! I felt good and strong. It did help that the weather was cooler and humidity low.

Wednesday is my scheduled 6 miler but the weather was nice and I felt like it so I just switched up! I’ll do 3 today and 3 tomorrow and 12 on Saturday.

Yesterdays run did give me the needed boost after my pissing and moaning about my last week’s runs.

I ran the entire thing with no slowing down for water breaks etc. I even had 2 PRs on that run! My fastest 5 miles by almost 2 minutes and fastest 10k by almost 3 minutes!!

So, at least for now….I’m not as discouraged as I was. Temperatures definitely affect running.

I intended to do some yoga and muscle rolling last night but I received a call from my brother that broke my heart.

I got more bad news in regard to my brother’s health that I mentioned in a post a few months ago. I’m very sad today and down. He’s a good man and reminds me of my dad. I plan a trip to visit him very soon. He lives in Alabama but will soon be in the hospital at Vanderbilt in Nashville, TN. 😦

It’s very weird and sad but I feel guilty enjoying my life and even running. It all seems so unimportant.

But, I need running even more now. I’m sure I’ll have a good cry on my run tonight.

♥Pray for Jimmy♥

She’s an Athlete?

I’m still a bit down and doubtful that I will be able to complete the marathon and probably even the training, but I’m trying to get myself out of this self-pitying funk.

I stayed very busy at work which was great. The day ended fairly quickly.

Today was a cooler and awesome day so I really fought the urge to run but I should have. I have a 3 tomorrow, 6 on Wednesday and 3 on Thursday and the big 12 on Saturday!

I ate well and healthy today and just the right balance and right amount of calories. I’ll see how my 3 miles turns out tomorrow before I start whining again! 🙂

My husband was on the phone talking to someone and I overheard him refer to me as an “athlete.” I’ve never heard myself called that before. I walked into the room he was in and I asked “athlete? Me?”

He just said “yes, you are.” My spirits lifted a bit. I’m an athlete? 🙂

Never been called that before. Hmmmm, athlete? Moi? I’ve lived a lifetime wanting and dreaming of hearing that.

Maybe I can do this. I’m not a quitter and now it’s time I stop being a crybaby.

Ok, you will most definitely hear me cry and going to pity parties again…I’m sure.

Today was day 44 of “marathon training.”

I’m reclining on the sofa with my puppies watching “Criminal Minds.”

~Believe in Your Dreams~

Doubt and Regret

It’s been a busy and tiring weekend. Yesterday I tried to get an early start on my 7 mile run before the projected 100 degree temps hit the city. I didn’t start until 8 am which was a mistake but I wanted to sleep in a bit, eat a light breakfast, walk the dogs before I started.

Kevin rode his bike alongside me again which I like and it comes in handy.

I decided to run the city streets again toward the Gateway Arch because it distracts my mind more. I made a decent time and didn’t have to stop except at red lights and busy streets.  But I was very tired and couldn’t stop thinking about how hard this journey to 26.2 is going to be.

It’s so time-consuming and so very hard. One day 10 miles is fairly easy and another day, 7.5 miles is so hard that I almost completely used any willpower that I had to finish.

I did use fuel (GU gel and Bonk Breakers) during the run to help. Maybe it did and I guess it couldn’t hurt. I had plenty of water because Kevin carried it on his bike.

I miscalculated and ran 7.5 instead of the 7 that was on my schedule. The run got hard at mile 4. I really wasn’t sure I’d make it the entire run but I did.

After we got home, I broke down in the “ugly cry” and Kevin couldn’t understand why I was crying. I couldn’t stop. I was crying so hard that Peyton got upset and jumped in my lap which made me smile! 🙂 Kevin thought I did well and had good speed especially on a hot day. It just hit me how hard this was going to be and especially in the heat. I am not sure I have what it takes. I’m 54 years old and only a few years ago, I weighed almost 300 lbs.

Why did I decide to do this? Why couldn’t I just be happy in my smaller and healthier body? What is wrong with me for wanting this? Why can’t I just stick to running 5ks and enjoying my runs?

I am having doubts….I am having regrets.

I have spent some time reading last night and today about other’s feel the same way I do when they are training in the heat. I also read that training in heat will make me stronger and better when the temperature drops like I pray that it does in October. But still…..why did I want this?

It already consumes a lot of my time and I’m only about half way into the training.

Is this worth it? Is it worth the toll on my health? What about the time it’s taking away from things I love…like Kevin, Daniel, Sadie…

I am still a big bag of emotions tonight.

I did beat the hell out of my boxing bag tonight for 45 minutes for my cross training day . Day 43 of my “marathon training.”

I had another great weekend with family. Daniel and Sadie are the loves of my life. Daniel will be coming to Columbia in a couple of weeks to spend a week with me and Popeye. I’m looking forward to that.

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I didn’t eat very well today but I also didn’t eat enough calories. That run yesterday took its toll on my stomach which is just showing up today.

~Rest is Overrated~

Naked Ladies, Dogs and Legs

Today has been “rest day” and day 41 of “Hal Higdon’s First Time Marathon Training.

On Friday, I only work a few hours but it must have been a full moon last night or tonight! People acting nuts. I couldn’t get out that door fast enough.

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I have enjoyed my rest day. I did some laundry, walked and played with the dogs, had a glass of wine while watching birds and packed for our weekend trip to our apartment in St. Louis (2 hour drive from Columbia.)

I pampered myself: soaked and pedicured my feet, took a bubble bath, shaved my legs, put on a cucumber mask, watched westerns on TV….a good day! 🙂

I sat outside for a while admiring how pretty my backyard is. The flowers are beautiful this year and the “Naked Ladies” are coming up. We have hundreds in our backyard. It’s hard to keep the dogs from breaking and knocking them down.

Naked ladies are known in the south as resurrection lilies or surprise lilies.

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Naked Ladies
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Tropicana Rose

I was actually looking forward to running my 7 miles in the morning in the city but I found out it’s supposed to get to 99 degrees in the Lou! I’ll need to get an early start. Hal Higdon’s training has this as my step back Saturday. Last Saturday was 10 miles…next Saturday is 12 miles. After 13.1 the following week, I will be getting into miles I’ve never experienced.

FB runner’s groups are posting their runner leg pictures. My legs are 54 years old so I’m shy to post there…but I am proud of them. 🙂

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I am worried and especially since my weekday runs have felt hard this week. The training also has a Wednesday run that increases and running higher miles after 12 hour work days have me concerned. Especially when it’s in the 90s.

Last night my dinner consisted of strawberry moscato, gorgonzola cheese and crusty baguette. So my nutrition may not have been the best for my 7 hot and steamy miles in the morning.

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My eating was only a little bit better today….

My “Me” day was good….

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Peyton
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Eli

~♥Drink Wine and Kiss Dogs♥~

Now, I’m a Believer

Running is the real deal.

You may remember a few weeks ago I blogged about how I only believe things that are proven to me. I’m a skeptic in the highest order! That is still true and will be until I’m dirt.

I now truly believe running is good for me and particularly mentally. It’s especially good for the people around me. 🙂

After I ran 10 miles on Friday morning, I had not run again until last night due to rest days and cross training (rest) days.

I have been tired, anxious, cranky, bitchy, achy, intolerant, impatient, hungry, sick….you name it for the last few days.

My husband, dogs, co-workers, other drivers and a few people in check out lines can attest to it.

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I blogged about it on Monday and tried to make corrections and amends on my behavior for it because there is no excuse for to be that way to others.  I own that.

I did my best to make amends to my husband, dogs and anyone subject to my less than good behavior over the last few days.

But, I was still tired and couldn’t sleep. I have a chronic health issue that acts up on rare occasions and I was getting worried that it was getting worse because I was so tired and disengaged, even when driving.

Charlotte Runner Girl
Charlotte Runner Girl

Yesterday was near a 100 degrees but it was on my schedule to run 3 miles. I couldn’t tolerate the heat so I hit the treadmill and ran for 40 minutes. I’ve mentioned before that I have a hard time sweating in outside heat and humidity but my clothes were sopping wet after that run! I was tired through most of it but as the “slow” mileage counter on the treadmill ticked on, the better I got.

I had a nice, cool shower and put on pajamas (getting ready for a night on the sofa watching Criminal Minds) and I started feeling happy like I had smoked weed or drank wine! HA!

Even my dogs wanted to get up on the sofa and sit with me and they had not wanted to do that for a few days.

I am not exaggerating this a bit. It happened.

I slept like a baby and woke up energetic. I got to work early and not only that, my skin looked better..it’s glowed, actually, no reddish or puffy eyes. And my wrinkles didn’t look as pronounced under my eyes. But even more than that, people noticed that I looked better and smiled more.

I was amazed and nothing changed except that I ran and sweated like a beast!

5 miles is on my schedule today for day 39 of “Marathon Training.” The weather is a bit cooler so I’ll try to pull this off. I may take some of this run on the “MKT Trail.”

Trails are nicer and more things to see but I also don’t get a cross wind of any kind when I run through trees and bluffs.

~Run from Everyone~

Can We Still Be Friends?

I am just going to say what I’ve been thinking for the last few weeks….I think training for a marathon is harming my relationship with my husband.

He’s very supportive of anything that I do. He doesn’t complain when I run. I don’t even think he’s aware that it’s causing problems…well, until this weekend.

I didn’t run Saturday or Sunday for rest days and my nerves were on edge, my temper flared several times, I was impatient, hungry, mean, unforgiving, depressed, whiny, complainy and a bitch.

I never dreamed that it would take so much of my time and concentration. I’m a manager of situations and I thought I was handling it well. I do my normal weekly runs when he is still at work. I still do the house things I would normally do. I do my long runs on Saturday morning and most are finished before he’s ready to start the day.

I’m not very amorous or romantic with him after runs. Training has become my lover.

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I’m not that tired when I finish running…well, nothing that a shower and food doesn’t fix.

So why is it damaging our relationship? I think it’s purely me. I am so focused on training, reading about training, reading blogs about training or nutrition that I just block him out.

It’s really gotten worse since he has a foot injury keeping him from running. He is frustrated and I can tell this. I have become more selfish and have not even sympathized with his problem unless it interferes with my training.

Many times anymore, he talks to me and I don’t hear him. He notices it but doesn’t say much and eventually he stops talking to me. Many nights now, we don’t converse very much.

Even at work, I am more focused on my training than normal. People speak to me but I only hear some of what they are saying. (Sometimes that’s elective! HA!) I’m not doing that out of tiredness…maybe obsession? I’m not sure. It’s weird.

I’ll leave here today with a new motivation to be more inclusive with Kevin, more talkative, more conversational…..but will I carry it out when I get home? Or will I forget all about it and get preoccupied again with my new lover?

I have to fix this…starting today.

My husband is my cheerleader, my playmate, my friend and my lover. He is also my psychiatrist. He is my moral compass. So today, I am going to have a talk with my lover and it will go something like this:

“Dear Running,

I care so deeply for you. You make me feel incredible.  I feel like a young woman when I am with you. You  continue to make me feel so healthy, strong and beautiful. I want you around for a long time. Please don’t be upset, you are still so very important to me.  But my biggest supporter needs me too and I need him. Can we still be friends?”

~Sincerely, Charlotte

 ♥Day 37 of “Marathon Training

Help! I’m Eating the House…

I haven’t run since my long run on Saturday which was 10 miles. My long runs are normally on Saturday and I switched due to travel circumstances.

Today is day 36 of “Marathon Training.”

I now understand why Higdon lays out the training the way that he does. I haven’t run since Friday morning and I’m a ball of emotions!

I’m depressed, tired and as bitchy as can be. Just ask Kevin, Peyton and Eli.

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Plus….I’m eating us out of house and home. Nothing is safe!

I did cross train today at the gym. I did 30 minutes on the Precor Eliptical, 10 minutes on the lateral trainer and did weights for arms, shoulders, biceps, triceps. I also did some work in the yard after I got home.

I know it’s important…but cross-training is not running!!! Neither is rest.

Then we went out to a restaurant to eat and I ate everything! I did eat several calories.

If I don’t go back to work and start running, I’ll be 200 lbs soon.

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Please, Stop Me!

Tomorrow is supposed to be rest day (again) but I may do a short run. I am trying to stick to the training plan but I’m going fucking crazy!

Kevin wants me to run also…..and far, far away. 🙂

♥Run for Your Life♥

Girl On Fire

I slept well except for some calf cramps early in the night. I woke early and ate breakfast and got on with my 10 mile run for day 34 of “marathon training.”

At first it was tough and I just didn’t want to do it. I felt sluggish and a bit tired up until about 5 miles or so. My wind kicked in about about 6 miles and at 8 miles, I started feeling that runner’s high. I ran the perimeter of Forest Park which was 6.5 miles and then 3.5 through my neighborhood. My new power song today was “Girl on Fire” by Alecia Keys. At mile 8, I felt like I had wings.

Ohhhh oh oh oh oh
She got both feet on the ground
And she’s burning it down

I got home after an hour and 48 minute run, showered and drove to my plastic surgeon check-up. He said I was doing great and that my body had contoured wonderfully after the surgery. He assured me that my arm scars are looking better and will fade much more in the coming 4 months. My left arm is almost not noticeable but right one still is. When I exercise, my scars get blood red due to blood pooling to the surface. He said that would go away.

I spent the rest of the afternoon with my son eating lunch at “Wildflower” and hanging out. Then met up with the rest of the family for dinner outside at Llwelyn’s. We all ate healthy salads! I enjoyed my short time with my grandkiddies.

Allison is loving her new job as a nurse at “Barnes Jewish Hospital” and I am happy for her. 🙂

I’ll catch up and spend more quality time with kiddos next weekend.

Tomorrow is rest day and I’ll be driving home to Columbia in the morning for a weekend of yard work and playing with my puppies and hubby.

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I’m tired and it’s bedtime. 🙂

~Grandma on Fire~

I Run for Chocolate Cinnamon Rolls

It’s been a long week and a long day. I have a plastic surgeon follow-up tomorrow afternoon so I got off work early, took off tomorrow and drove up today. I got in a traffic jam coming into St. Louis at rush hour that might even equal Atlanta on any day or time.

I got to the apartment, unpacked, settled in and went for a 3 mile run that turned into 3.7 miles. I am going to have to judge my distance and look at my Garmin better. It was an enjoyable run through the Central West End neighborhood. Today is day 33 of “marathon training.”

My plan is to get up early in the morning and run my Saturday 10 miles on Friday. I will drive home early on Saturday morning to help Kevin with yard work.

I miss my dogs….well, and Kevin. HA! I’ll have facetime with Peyton and Eli before I go to bed! 🙂

The truth is, I love coming up here by myself. I think it might do me good to come up here without Kevin for a week or so…but not the dogs. I have to be with them! 🙂

My eating has been terrible today…..it was Daylight Donut day at work and I had a huge chocolate cinnamon which has to account for 600 or 700 calories. I did burn almost 500 running and I needed the carbs…right?

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After my doctor’s appointment tomorrow, I might go to the Art Museum, History Museum or the Zoo.

I’m not sure I’ll see Daniel and Sadie this weekend but maybe tomorrow night.

After all the bad things going on in the world, I needed my run today.

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 ~Me Time~