Doubt and Regret

It’s been a busy and tiring weekend. Yesterday I tried to get an early start on my 7 mile run before the projected 100 degree temps hit the city. I didn’t start until 8 am which was a mistake but I wanted to sleep in a bit, eat a light breakfast, walk the dogs before I started.

Kevin rode his bike alongside me again which I like and it comes in handy.

I decided to run the city streets again toward the Gateway Arch because it distracts my mind more. I made a decent time and didn’t have to stop except at red lights and busy streets.  But I was very tired and couldn’t stop thinking about how hard this journey to 26.2 is going to be.

It’s so time-consuming and so very hard. One day 10 miles is fairly easy and another day, 7.5 miles is so hard that I almost completely used any willpower that I had to finish.

I did use fuel (GU gel and Bonk Breakers) during the run to help. Maybe it did and I guess it couldn’t hurt. I had plenty of water because Kevin carried it on his bike.

I miscalculated and ran 7.5 instead of the 7 that was on my schedule. The run got hard at mile 4. I really wasn’t sure I’d make it the entire run but I did.

After we got home, I broke down in the “ugly cry” and Kevin couldn’t understand why I was crying. I couldn’t stop. I was crying so hard that Peyton got upset and jumped in my lap which made me smile! 🙂 Kevin thought I did well and had good speed especially on a hot day. It just hit me how hard this was going to be and especially in the heat. I am not sure I have what it takes. I’m 54 years old and only a few years ago, I weighed almost 300 lbs.

Why did I decide to do this? Why couldn’t I just be happy in my smaller and healthier body? What is wrong with me for wanting this? Why can’t I just stick to running 5ks and enjoying my runs?

I am having doubts….I am having regrets.

I have spent some time reading last night and today about other’s feel the same way I do when they are training in the heat. I also read that training in heat will make me stronger and better when the temperature drops like I pray that it does in October. But still…..why did I want this?

It already consumes a lot of my time and I’m only about half way into the training.

Is this worth it? Is it worth the toll on my health? What about the time it’s taking away from things I love…like Kevin, Daniel, Sadie…

I am still a big bag of emotions tonight.

I did beat the hell out of my boxing bag tonight for 45 minutes for my cross training day . Day 43 of my “marathon training.”

I had another great weekend with family. Daniel and Sadie are the loves of my life. Daniel will be coming to Columbia in a couple of weeks to spend a week with me and Popeye. I’m looking forward to that.

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I didn’t eat very well today but I also didn’t eat enough calories. That run yesterday took its toll on my stomach which is just showing up today.

~Rest is Overrated~

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9 thoughts on “Doubt and Regret

  1. Hey!! I miss you!! Don’t worry, you’ll be okay. You are fabulous and strong and tough and we all have moments of challenge and feelings of doubt. You can do anything you set your mind to. I know that for sure!! XOXO!! Have a wonderful week!!

  2. Charlotte, I think it’s healthy to be introspective and question ourselves. What seemed like a good idea at the beginning may change as time goes on. That’s ok. Do what works for you and your family.

    1. Sometimes I tend to bite off more than I can chew and stick with it out of stubborness! 🙂 I’ll see how I feel after my 12 miles on Saturday! Thanks for the support. Happy Monday 🙂

  3. It does no harm to take an extra rest day, Charlotte. Sometimes it’s just what the doctor ordered.
    I don’t like the sound of the stop-start city running. It breaks the body’s rhythm. That rhythm is essential for anything longer than a handy 3 miler. I’m only saying I know it would play havoc with my own energy release.
    Keep at it. You’re doing good. You can do it!

    1. You are right about the start and stop. But not that much stopping. I think I hit a couple of red lights. I do much better when I run in a park where there is plenty of paths to do my mileage. I always tell people how much harder is to stop and then start back! I’m going to try my 12 miler this Saturday in a park or trail so I can get the best out of it. Thanks for the tip. It’s a good one. 🙂

  4. I try to arrange my rest days for when the heat will be brutal. Next week I’ll be at the beach, where I’ll be waking up at 5 a.m. to go running, because I absolute cannot run in the daylight where we’re going (North Carolina). It’s okay, you can do it!

    1. Ahhh, running on a beach is heaven. You are right about the heat there, though. I do run early mornings on my Saturday run but I get up at 4:45am just to get to work. I love morning running. I’m more energetic and just better. Thanks for the comment and support!

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