The Haunting Ghost of Christmas Future

I am trying to finish up Christmas shopping and it dawned on me that I have not sent Christmas cards to my family and friends as I usually do nor Christmas gift cards to Barbara’s daughters (my nieces) as I normally do.

With my trip to Nashville and being away from home, I have forgotten to do so much.

We finished up Sadie and Daniel except for a few stocking things.

I go back to work tomorrow for 2 hectic days then I am off until after the first of the year.

Kevin works Christmas Eve so will leave for St. Louis when he gets off work. We will go see what Santa Claus brought Daniel and Sadie on Christmas morning but won’t stay long because his other granddaddy (my ex husband) will be there with them.

We will get together with them on Christmas night to open presents. I will make some snack things but no real cooking.

Exercisewise, I have run on the treadmill for the last 2 days and didn’t mind it at all. Kevin got a spinning bike for Christmas and he and I run/spin together in the basement!

He also won a new big screen TV so we put it in the basement and I can watch TV while I run on the treadmill which definitely helps. I will enjoy going down there after work more if I can watch something whether news or other shows.

I still have not signed up for the Go! St. Louis half marathon but I will the first of the year. That will definitely give me something to train for. I can’t tell you how much I do miss training for the marathon. I’m not ready for a marathon in the near future but likely during October, November or December timeframe in 2015.

I’m eating badly, still. I still count calories and exercise most everyday but there is one definite thing that I have learned… cannot exercise away a bad diet.

With my brother’s failing health….I want to be more diligent and dedicated to eating properly including watching my sodium intake. I use every day and it does track all those things.

It seems like the world is going to shit right now so watching the news is so often disparaging. God rest the souls of those 2 NYPD slain cops. What would these fucked up cities be without cops to patrol and protect them.

I can’t seem to get in the Christmas spirit knowing what my brother must be going through. I will find ways to come to grips with that and be supportive as much as I can being almost 500 miles away from him. I wish I lived closer so I could do things with him.

In addition, Kevin’s dear, sweet mother (in Las Vegas) is almost 90 and her health is failing.

I actually have some fear about what 2015 will bring and I’m not welcoming it with open arms…but it’s coming.

I love Christmas. I always have no matter what was going on in my life.

I love spending most of the Christmas season wishing for Christmas past. I think about my mama and daddy who have gone long ago. I miss being the oldest out of our litter of 5 kids all waking up and going to see what Santa brought. I miss all the family get togethers back in Tennessee. I hang old ornaments on my trees…I listen to old Christmas songs. I cook things that I had as a child at Christmas. I look at old pictures.

I also enjoy living in the Christmas present because of my family and especially my grand kiddies. I like being with James and Allison (my son and daughter in law). I love cooking, decorating the tree and shopping for those 2 “Joys of My Life.” I love driving around with Kevin looking at Christmas lights in our neighborhood. I like sitting in the dark looking at my Christmas tree and enjoying my life with Kevin, Peyton and Eli.

But for the first time in my life, I look with dread and fear to Christmas future.

I want Daniel and Sadie to stay little and still love spending time with me.

I don’t want to be 55 years old which I turn on Jan 06, 2015.

I don’t want Peyton and Eli to get old and feeble.

I want Kevin to stay young and strong. I want James and Allison to be forever as they are now.

I want my brother’s and sisters and their families to freeze in time.

I want Jimmy (my brother) to never die and be that man I’ve always loved with that bigger than life laugh.

I want life to freeze!

But, it will not. Life and death moves on whether we like it or not.

~And to All a Good Night~

8 thoughts on “The Haunting Ghost of Christmas Future

  1. More )))hugs((( i had the mist aweful 2014! And the thoughts you so beautifully have written were my exact thoughts… For months… They robbed me of special times… Times i shoukd have dpwnt making wonderful memories… Its hard, but look at the positives, celebrate them and at the end of today wasnt as good as you thought it would be… Hey we have, hopefully, chance of tomorrow… Grab it with both hands, smile and say ‘you’re MINE baby and im going to make you FAB!!’
    )))more hugs(((

    1. Thank you so much, CeeJayKay. Each new year brings possible great new opportunities to make memories and also may bring sorrow. Merry Christmas to you and go make great memories! 🙂

  2. I had a similar Christmas experience a few years back with family members in failing health, and my own health an issue. All I can say is just hold on with both hands and love without limits. I’m hoping the best Christmas and New Years for you Charlotte. ❤

  3. I feel the same as you about Christmas and about aging. This is a very powerful post! Thank you for being so open about your feelings. The future is what it is, and there’s no telling what really great things could be in it too along with the sad events. Live each moment with your heart, loving and appreciating all the while, that’s all you really can do.

    1. Thank you 🙂 The future holds the good and bad. We just have to live life and enjoy the good times and find comfort in the bad times. Merry Christmas to you….and I hope you are more successful staying away from all the sweets than I am. I can’t stop eating candy! 🙂

  4. Merry Christmas! Nope, I am not successful at all. These once a year treats are proving too tempting for me! The cookies I understand, but I’m confused by my inability to resist the candy. I am looking forward to Jan 1 to get back to healthy eating.

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