Because I Could Not Stop….

I don’t feel this way often but I am exhausted…both my body and my mind.

I could say that I have been so busy lately, that I haven’t had a chance to blog or read blogs. Maybe busy is just an excuse I use….I am sad so I don’t read much anymore. My heart is not in it at the moment.

My brother’s health is worsening and he never complains so I feel very guilty for the petty shit that I gripe about.

Jimmy’s cancer has spread to his lungs so he is not a candidate for a liver transplant. Further, his liver cancer has worsened. There is nothing more the doctors can do but prescribe him morphine to make him comfortable. Anytime the word “hospice” is mentioned, I cry. But they (hospice) have been called in to help care for him. In addition, a few weeks ago, he fell and broke his arm while taking his puppy out for a potty.

When I talk to him, he seems so strong and does what he can do to comfort me. I don’t even know what to say to him. He compliments me on my running, my beauty, my intelligence…all I can do is cry. He says I’m such a good, older sister. But I feel like I am failing him by letting this happen to him. I have always been the fixer in my family. I try to be strong but despite what everyone thinks of me, I am very weak emotionally many times.

Ask Peyton and Eli (my dogs). I’ve cried on their furry shoulders many times! I’m sure if they could talk, they would tell Mama to get a grip!

I run 5 days a week and it’s beginning to tire me out. Even running is not giving me the joy that I used to get from it. I am using my runs now for emotional and stress relief…so maybe it is helping me cope in some ways.

I feel guilty for living to be honest, while he is dying. I don’t know if that is normal or not.


Kevin and I did run a fun 5k this past Saturday “Run for Your Beads” in Soulard, St. Louis. This particular 5k is special to me because this was my very first official 5k back in 2011. That was also its first year so I’ve run it every year since. 🙂

It was a beautiful, lively and fun atmosphere. I struggled a bit with my first mile and half. There were many inclines and turns. The hardest part of the 5k goes through Anheuser Busch Brewery complex. I love and hate that place! haha My last mile was under 9 minutes which is very good for me.

10959802_10153054225275505_5631845402654997275_n
My Baby and Me

 

Beer Thirty
Beer Thirty

 

 


After the run, Kevin and I met up with the kids and did the “Taste of Soulard” in which you use coupons to sample the foods at the various restaurants in Soulard. I love Soulard! It is my favorite place in St. Louis. We ate lunch at “Chava’s Mexican.”  It was 60 degrees and sunny on Saturday!

We then went home to check on Peyton and Eli. I gave him a nice walk while Kevin napped. I was exhausted!

We met up with the kids again and went to an incredible place in St. Louis called the “City Museum” and it wore me out even further!

Daniel and Sadie – My Kiddies!

 

We were celebrating little Sadie’s number 2 birthday at the City Museum.

City Museum in St. Louis
Daniel and I Climbed up into this plane

Daniel spent the night with us. That always makes my heart feel better. The next morning, I ran my 8 mile run while he and Popeye (Kevin) watched cartoons. We then went to the park to play. I cried when I dropped him off. (See….a big bag of emotions!).

Kevin and I are planning to go to Mardi Gras in St. Louis this coming Saturday to participate in the debauchery but I don’t know if I am up to it. Kevin loves going. I guess he likes beads for boobs! 🙂 The high on Saturday is supposed to be 19 degrees compared to 60 the previous Saturday.

Last night was my rest day so I just laid on our new leather sectional couch and watched “Criminal Minds” with Peyton and Eli curled up around me.

Tonight on tap: 30 minute threshold interval run, pilates, hot shower and bed!

I still resolve to live more in the moment and enjoy life without reservation but lately, that has been more of a challenge.

I remember a quote from one of my favorite movies “Braveheart.” ~ “All Men Die, Not Every Man Lives” 

The below poem is my all time favorite. I learned it as a kid and it is still very poignant to me.


Because I Could Not Stop for DeathEmily Dickinson, 18301886

Because I could not stop for Death – 
He kindly stopped for me –  
The Carriage held but just Ourselves –  
And Immortality.

We slowly drove – He knew no haste
And I had put away
My labor and my leisure too,
For His Civility – 

We passed the School, where Children strove
At Recess – in the Ring –  
We passed the Fields of Gazing Grain –  
We passed the Setting Sun – 

Or rather – He passed us – 
The Dews drew quivering and chill – 
For only Gossamer, my Gown – 
My Tippet – only Tulle – 

We paused before a House that seemed
A Swelling of the Ground – 
The Roof was scarcely visible – 
The Cornice – in the Ground – 

Since then – ‘tis Centuries – and yet
Feels shorter than the Day
I first surmised the Horses’ Heads 
Were toward Eternity – 
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16 thoughts on “Because I Could Not Stop….

  1. My heart goes out to you, Charlotte. I know what you’re experiencing now, and there is nothing anyone can do you comfort you . The last year my sister was alive, we sat on the couch at my mom’s house, crying as we thumbed through photo after photo of our lives together. What got me through it, is knowing that she’s ok, and she’s happy now. I’ll say a prayer for your brother, and for you, too, Charlotte.

    Rob

  2. GORGEIYS photo of you guys… Oh gosh I can’t imagine how your heart is breaking xxx stay strong C sending you much love and hugs xxx be good to yourself too hunny don’t forget that you are loved and people care for you too… Sending your brother best wishes… )))hugs((( )))hugs((( )))hugs(((

  3. I would be emotional and exhausted if I were going through all of that, too! Prayers and hugs to you and your family! Do me a favor, though, and don’t stop running. It’s good therapy for you and despite how tired you are, I think you’d feel a lot worse if you weren’t running! {{{{HUGS}}}}

    1. You are right about feeling worse when I don’t run. I skipped 7 days and i’ve felt lazy, a bit depressed and fat! haha I did get a few good runs in. I can’t wait until the weather is better and I can get outside again to what I love. Thank you for your hugs. 🙂

  4. So sorry about your family. It’s hard. I’m sure all sorts of existential thoughts are crossing your mind right now. Don’t stop running. It’s a great stress reliever, even if you can’t feel it. My thoughts are with you.

  5. I’m so sorry for the pain you are going through now. Your brother is so sweet to say such kind things to you. I’m sad you feel guilty. You are not to blame for your brother’s situation or your living. The only thing you are “guilty” of is having a kind, caring, loving heart, which is a beautiful thing. You are a blessing to many people. I send you huge virtual hugs dear.

  6. That is so kind of you to say, Cynthia. Except for losing my parents many years ago, I think I never dreamed or considered that I would lose a sibling at such a young age. He is still in good spirits and his laugh is still awesome! I love hearing his voice. 🙂 Thanks for the hugs. 🙂

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