I Want to Be My Mom and That Makes Me Smile….Finally

Today would have been my Mama’s 72nd birthday. She passed over 12 years ago. She died at the young age of 59 years old.

I am home sick today after a stressful work week and being sick. Peyton is away at the Vet having minor surgery….so I am curled up in a fetal position today in tears with Eli at my side.

My mother was only 16 when I was born. She married my sweet Daddy at 15. That is not unusual in the south at that time. So that made she and I rivals in so many ways…our clothes, our makeup, our choices, our decisions but especially for my Daddy’s love and affection. I never realized that then, but I do now.

16 years old is but a child. So in essence, she and I grew up together as Mother, daughter, friends but also as rivals.

She was more than pretty….she was strikingly beautiful. She had very black hair and very blue eyes. She had freckles that made her look like a little girl always…even as she was dying. She was friendly..even flirtatous, outgoing and smart.

I was jealous that I did not look like her.

She was an imperfect mother to say the least. And she knew it. I spent my entire teenage life resenting her for that. I am deeply ashamed of that now. After my son was born, she became my best friend.

My daddy died at the age of 51 when my mother was only 41 years old. I made her a grandmother when she was only 34 years old!

When daddy died, she was devastated. They had a tumultuous marriage the entire 25 years they were married until he died. I recall so many arguments and separations. I blamed her every single time and hated her for doing that to him. I was a daddy’s girl.

But all the way to the end, they loved each other. He adored her, respected her and was very jealous of her.

Her name was Renia Dimple Parrish Barber Moore. Everyone called her Dimple. Barber was the name my daddy gave her. She married my step dad (Moore) a few years after my dad died.

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Daddy, Mama and Me
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Mama, Daddy and My Baby Sister

 

I spent so much time being angry at her for being crazy. My brothers and sisters have a term for it now “Dimpling”  🙂 We refer to it often when talking about our craziness.

We all recall a particular situation that happened when we were on the school bus. We passed her and daddy arguing outside near the roadside. Mama was trying to light herself on fire, supposedly. She would start a fire and sit near it….when it got hot, she’d move and set another….All our friends on the bus saw it and we were embarrassed. I laugh at it now.

All of her kids got that crazy part of her personality. I like to think I am the least crazy of my brothers and sisters! 🙂

I have always thought that all the good in me came from my daddy and the crazy came from her.

I still think that’s true but finally…..I am my Mama. I am proud to have her “crazy” part.

She adored animals. She collected every stray bird, cat, dog…..that came around. She loved her dogs more than us….I used to think.

I even resented for that. She took those dogs to vets more than she took us to the doctor when we were sick.

I remember the day she called me crying when “Teardrop” died with cancer. Teardrop was a teacup chihuahua that she loved more than life. I could not relate to her sadness. Mama, I apologize. You had a wonderful heart and I never saw it.

Today, Peyton is at the Vet having minor surgery and I am in tears! 🙂

She was pretty, flirty, friendly, smart, fun-loving, outgoing and a good friend to many people including me. She had a caring heart for animals and hated any mistreatment of them.

She didn’t know my husband Kevin very well when she met him…but one of her birds that didn’t like people very well, flew on Kevin’s shoulder and sat. She knew if that bird “Miracle” loved Kevin, she loved him.

I am in no way saying that I come as close to her beauty or loving heart. Maybe I just want to be.

Today is one of those days that I want to give her a call and hear her beautiful voice and cry on her soft, strong shoulders.

Happy birthday, Mama. I miss you everyday of my life. 

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5 thoughts on “I Want to Be My Mom and That Makes Me Smile….Finally

  1. Such a sweet post. I have so much resentment towards my mother who is now coming near the end of her life. I’m going to visit her this weekend, could the last time I will see her since she doesn’t live nearby. I really want to see the good in her (which of course there is!) and be a loving daughter. I will keep this post in mind to help me do that. Thank you.

    1. Sometimes we don’t know how much we cared about someone until they are gone. You are right, there is good in everyone. You helped make you who you are. I look at it that if she had been different, I might not be who I am. I’m content with who I am. Sometimes, we just have to accept who our parents are and move on. I had to do that. It took me years of living a destructive life to come to terms with that. Thank you for commenting. 🙂

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