I feel guilty even writing this because my life events are minor compared to others’. Things I am going through seem trivial at the least.
But some recent events and concerns are causing me to inventory the things I am trying to juggle and I think it’s time to take things off my plate.
As I have blogged about, my job has changed. I went from a boring job, micro-managing boss to 12 plus hour a day job, increased projects, sales and high up pressure. I work 12 hours in the plant and another 3 or so hours at home. I’m on call all the time. I am short on supervisors, employees therefore, I am interviewing and hiring at a mad pace but not quick enough to supply our customers: hospitals all over the US and Canada.
In addition to that, I am training for the Chicago marathon in high humidity and temperatures.
I barely see my husband, kids, grandkiddos or dogs. I come home, run, shower and go to bed.
Many times lately I wake up at 2 or so in the morning with my brain firing on all cylinders so I can’t get back to sleep. I have 240 hour of paid time off but can’t take off.
I’m loosing my sweet little brother to cancer.
I had promised Daniel that he could come and spend a week with us in Columbia for his summer vacation and I had to disappoint him on that. I did manage to take off a couple of days and just hang out with Daniel. That was the first time in so many months that I was completely happy and at ease.
Being with Daniel makes me a happy and calm person. I can’t explain it. It always has. It makes me happy just listening to him talk. I learn so much just listening. I don’t do that with others. 🙂
We went on a trip up in the Gateway Arch (his first time), water park, Minions Movie in 3D, History Museum and played Video games and read Harry Potter in bed together at the end of a happy day.
He told me those days was the best days of his life :0) . He is such a little charmer. I spent a little time with Sadie also. She’s the apple of my eye. 🙂 I felt great but sad that it all ended and my stress was to start again.
Kevin and I did get a chance to have a wine and cheese picnic under “our” willow tree in Forest Park and had great seats at the MUNY to see “The Buddy Holly Story.” That was a good weekend…but it had to come to an end.
I went back to work on the following Monday. That Monday night….for the first time in my life, I experienced chest pains and prepared to go to the emergency room.
I have a resting heart rate of 45 but I felt a pain that I had never experienced.
At first the pain was under my breast and I felt a tightening that felt like pressure. I was getting hot in my face. The pain started radiating up my chest, my neck and over my right shoulder and arm. I knew that was something different. I was in my pajamas and Kevin told me to get dressed. He was worried. I got dressed and walked around a bit and it subsided. I felt the tightness subside. I even slept well. Yes, I should have gone to the hospital and if it had not went away, I would have.
I blow up easily and lose my temper at work. Last week I made a couple of employees cry. I went back and apologized. Last Friday, I lost it and cried in front of a couple other managers. That is something I really hate doing.
It is obvious to others that I am not handling things well at this point. My alcohol drinking pattern has changed. I can’t say I’m drinking more but when I drink has changed.
The intense marathon training is another stressor. How can I work long hours and come home and run from 4 to 10 miles per night in the heat during the week and 12, 13, 15 hours on Saturday morning.
I ran 3 miles on Tuesday night and 6 miles in the heat on Wednesday.
At no other time have I run and showered and not felt great…but not that night. I was hurting and sick for the rest of the night. I felt sick and depressed. My hip hurt so bad that I couldn’t sleep because of the Piriformis injury.
I realized that my stress reliever had become part of my stressor. I felt that I no longer liked running.
I am about to go on a 2 week vacation to my favorite place in the US and hang in Santa Cruz, Ca on the beaches in paradise. I can’t even get past today in my head. I am usually excited and making my plans. Airfare, Beach Side Rental and rental car have been booked and paid for…..but I am not looking forward to it.
In part because I can’t bear to leave my 2 baby dogs (Peyton & Eli) in a fucking kennel. How can I vacation with my brother dying and my dogs unhappy, miserable and missing us. They will be so stressed. How can I lay on a damn beach drinking margaritas while all of this back home is happening.
Why did I sign up for the Chicago Marathon….why do I need such a long vacation?
So, I can defer the Chicago Marathon for 1 year. I still have to pay the $180 again next year if I decide to run but I am automatically in. I still haven’t made up my mind but I have not been running since last Wednesday night.
Tonight was supposed to be a training run night but I felt relieved that I was not going to run.
In addition, I found a doggy heaven type place to leave my boys in while I’m on vacation. It has 2 acres of fenced area, a pond, other doggies, a doggy obstacle course, a nice, air-conditioned place to sleep. But it’s twice as expensive as where I normally leave them at $72 plus per night at 10 nights! Ouch! But at this point in my life, money is not a stressor….leaving my babies in a kennel is.
I’m a little worried though, because the I have to take them for an interview on Friday afternoon to see if they have the temperament to stay there. I’m a little worried about my youngest…Eli. He’s got a few little weird, cute issues but he is a sweetie and a spoiled baby. He barks loudly when he gets nervous. He gets along well with other dogs but he will bark a bit at first. Peyton is a perfect dog however, spoiled rotten.
As stupid as it sounds, that also took a load off my mind. Maybe I can enjoy vacation knowing they are having a great time with lots of activities.
So for now, I will likely defer Chicago Marathon. Board my dogs in a Spa fit for dog kings. Go to Santa Cruz and stay barefoot, ass in sand and alcohol in my hand. I’ll make time for a few hikes in the Red Woods, run over the Golden Gate Bridge for the 3rd time, run the beaches daily, eat junky boardwalk food and pray that my brother Jimmy is not in pain and at peace.
Thanks for reading…..
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(Not Political, Religious or recipes… just life stuff)