Cleaning My Plate

I feel guilty even writing this because my life events are minor compared to others’. Things I am going through seem trivial at the least.

But some recent events and concerns are causing me to inventory the things I am trying to juggle and I think it’s time to take things off my plate.

As I have blogged about, my job has changed. I went from a boring job, micro-managing boss to 12 plus hour a day job, increased projects, sales and high up pressure. I work 12 hours in the plant and another 3 or so hours at home. I’m on call all the time. I am short on supervisors, employees therefore, I am interviewing and hiring at a mad pace but not quick enough to supply our customers: hospitals all over the US and Canada.

In addition to that, I am training for the Chicago marathon in high humidity and temperatures.

I barely see my husband, kids, grandkiddos or dogs. I come home, run, shower and go to bed.

Many times lately I wake up at 2 or so in the morning with my brain firing on all cylinders so I can’t get back to sleep. I have 240 hour of paid time off but can’t take off.

I’m loosing my sweet little brother to cancer.

I had promised Daniel that he could come and spend a week with us in Columbia for his summer vacation and I had to disappoint him on that. I did manage to take off a couple of days and just hang out with Daniel. That was the first time in so many months that I was completely happy and at ease.

Being with Daniel makes me a happy and calm person. I can’t explain it. It always has. It makes me happy just listening to him talk. I learn so much just listening. I don’t do that with others. ๐Ÿ™‚

11061194_10153442397275505_8167596818134837667_n68913_10153442516760505_2057280561262006655_n

11755678_10153442516560505_2365327624416455280_n

We went on a trip up in the Gateway Arch (his first time), water park, Minions Movie in 3D, History Museum and played Video games and read Harry Potter in bed together at the end of a happy day.

11760089_10153442221630505_4746798677694310086_n

He told me those days was the best days of his life :0) . He is such a little charmer. I spent a little time with Sadie also. She’s the apple of my eye. ๐Ÿ™‚ I felt great but sad that it all ended and my stress was to start again.

Kevin and I did get a chance to have a wine and cheeseย picnic under “our” willow tree in Forest Park and had great seats at the MUNY to see “The Buddy Holly Story.” That was a good weekend…but it had to come to an end.

I went back to work on the following Monday. That Monday night….for the first time in my life, I experienced chest pains and prepared to go to the emergency room.

I have a resting heart rate of 45 but I felt a pain that I had never experienced.

At first the pain was under my breast and I felt a tightening that felt like pressure. I was getting hot in my face. The pain started radiating up my chest, my neck and over my right shoulder and arm. I knew that was something different. I was in my pajamas and Kevin told me to get dressed. He was worried. I got dressed and walked around a bit and it subsided. I felt the tightness subside. I even slept well. Yes, I should have gone to the hospital and if it had not went away, I would have.

I blow up easily and lose my temper at work. Last week I made a couple of employees cry. I went back and apologized. Last Friday, I lost it and cried in front of a couple other managers. That is something I really hate doing.

It is obvious to others that I am not handling things well at this point. My alcohol drinking pattern has changed. I can’t say I’m drinking more but when I drink has changed.

The intense marathon training is another stressor. How can I work long hours and come home and run from 4 to 10 miles per night in the heat during the week and 12, 13, 15 hours on Saturday morning.

I ran 3 miles on Tuesday night and 6 miles in the heat on Wednesday.

At no other time have I run and showered and not felt great…but not that night. I was hurting and sick for the rest of the night. I felt sick and depressed. My hip hurt so bad that I couldn’t sleep because of the Piriformis injury.

I realized that my stress reliever had become part of my stressor. I felt that I no longer liked running.

I am about to go on a 2 week vacation to my favorite place in the US and hang in Santa Cruz, Ca on the beaches in paradise. I can’t even get past today in my head. I am usually excited and making my plans. Airfare, Beach Side Rentalย and rental car have been booked and paid for…..but I am not looking forward to it.

In part because I can’t bear to leave my 2 baby dogs (Peyton & Eli) in a fucking kennel. How can I vacation with my brother dying and my dogs unhappy, miserable and missing us. They will be so stressed. How can I lay on a damn beach drinking margaritas while all of this back home is happening.

Why did I sign up for the Chicago Marathon….why do I need such a long vacation?

So, I can defer the Chicago Marathon for 1 year. I still have to pay the $180 again next year if I decide to run but I am automatically in. I still haven’t made up my mind but I have not been running since last Wednesday night.

Tonight was supposed to be a training run night but I felt relieved that I was not going to run.

In addition, I found a doggy heaven type place to leave my boys in while I’m on vacation. It has 2 acres of fenced area, a pond, other doggies, a doggy obstacle course, a nice,ย air-conditioned place to sleep. But it’s twice as expensive as where I normally leave themย at $72 plus per night at 10 nights! Ouch! But at this point in my life, money is not a stressor….leaving my babies in a kennel is.

I’m a little worried though, because the I have to take them for an interview on Friday afternoon to see if they have the temperament to stay there. I’m a little worried about my youngest…Eli. He’s got a few little weird, cute issues but he is a sweetie and a spoiled baby. He barks loudly when he gets nervous. He gets along well with other dogs but he will bark a bit at first. Peyton is a perfect dog however, spoiled rotten.

As stupid as it sounds, that also took a load off my mind. Maybe I can enjoy vacation knowing they are having a great time with lots of activities.

11752605_10153460393575505_6540539643279920713_n

So for now, I will likely defer Chicago Marathon. Board my dogs in a Spa fit for dog kings. Go to Santa Cruz and stay barefoot, ass in sand and alcohol in my hand. I’ll make time for a few hikes in the Red Woods, run over the Golden Gate Bridge for the 3rd time, run the beaches daily, eat junky boardwalk food and pray that my brother Jimmy is not in pain and at peace.

Thanks for reading…..

For my old WordPress friends that I miss, please feel free to add me on Charlotte’s Facebook. I am a prolific facebooker. ๐Ÿ™‚

(Not Political, Religious or recipes… just life stuff)

Advertisements

25 thoughts on “Cleaning My Plate

  1. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate now, but I’m glad you’re about to go on vacation! Have fun! ๐Ÿ™‚ Also don’t get down about running , it’s supposed to make you happy, not stressed. Don’t sweat the Chicago marathon either, there’s always next year! I’m hoping to run it next year too. ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. Oh, dear! It’s sad to hear you are not able to enjoy running. Well, heck, it’s sad to hear you are so miserable overall. There’s no surprise with your work hours that running (or life) is not enjoyable. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ That’s so nice you were able to find a great place for your dogs. That would mean a lot to me too! Fingers crossed they pass the “interview.” I hope you can relax once you are away from home in your favorite vacation spot and find some renewing. I really hope you enjoy your vacation! And I really hope your heart is healthy and that pain was just stress. That must have been scary. ((hugs))

  3. Sounds like you need a vacation. Enjoy!! Hope you come back refreshed. It is stressful to work full time, handle family obligations and train. That’s why I may never do a full.

  4. You are smart in realizing what is beneficial for your overall health and wellbeing. Its ok to take a step back and re-evaluate what works for you. Personally, I think deferring is a great idea.

  5. I loved your blog! I hope you know you are a role model for your brother, Jimmy! He is so proud of you, and admires your determination. I hope you enjoy your time off. May you find peace!

  6. I think you’re smart for putting off the marathon for a year. Relax and spend time with your family and dogs when you’re not at work. Running will always be there when you’re ready to come back! Enjoy your vacation – sounds like you need it!

  7. I went through this with music. I hated playing, as it was every night, until 2:00AM, then up for work. It sucked the life out of my love of music and I walked away from it for a few years. I’ve learned that once something becomes a chore, you’ll resent it. I think that you may have encountered the same thing with running. Take some time off of it, do it on your terms, and you’ll love it once again.

    Rob

    1. You may be right. I see you are enjoying music again so maybe I will the same with running. I haven’t run in over a week and I saw runners out this morning and I felt that little urge and excitement again. ๐Ÿ™‚ Thanks for your comment.

  8. Oh Charlotte, my heart aches for you!
    Please, do not let your job do this to you. It is not worth it. I know, easy for me to say, but, hey, Eli and Peyton have to eat, right? Lol! Please, put yourself first and baby your adrenals.
    As the doctor stressed to me, when you are this stressed out, the inflammation skyrockets, and it leaves us vulnerable to all of the bad stuff. So, take your vacation, recharge your batteries, then you will be able to support your brother.
    I will be glad to check up on your boys and give them lots of attention and live while you are gone-just say the word.
    I’ve felt that work stress, and it’s one of the reasons I quit Scholastic (and have yet to return to work!). I found myself NOT sleeping, drinking more than normal (way more), not exercising at all, second guessing myself (on everything), seriously doubting my value and sick all the time. DO NOT DO THIS TO YOURSELF!
    Sending lots of good vibes and prayers.

  9. OH HUNNY )))hugs((( Well done on taking control and realising you need a break… you need to give YOURSELF a break eveynow and then… it often means coming back strogner

    1. arrrgh it posted before i finished…. so…
      It often means coming back stronger, a little more focussed, relaxed and better able to deal with the stresses. Sometimes, taking that break is what you, your body and your sould needs… ENJOY it, embrace it, take stock and you will be back… its in your heart, in your soul… in your being.
      You are AMAZING, dont ever forget that…
      And the puppies… they will be fine! We had two German Sheperds, our BABIES, i KNOW how hard it is… but they need you too, so go and get that holiday, that time off… recharge and take care of yourself.

      Much Love C
      xxx

      1. Thank you CJK. That is great advice and I’m going to take it. I’m looking forward to a few runs on the beach and plenty of margaritas! ๐Ÿ™‚

  10. Sorry for the stressers in your life. I know running helps me de-stress, but if it wasn’t making me feel better, I’d change it up somehow. I’m not a pro runner, so I won’t beat myself up over it. On another subject, are your dogs part Vizsla? I loved my V.

      1. I’ve had to take it easy this week, too, due to a hamstring, but I’m going to do my weekend runs. We’ll both be rewarded for patience.

  11. Sounds like you are totally burnt out :(. Really sorry to read about your brother. I couldn’t imagine preparing to lose mine. Has he been ill for quite a while? Hope that since writing this post, you have had a chance to take some time out for yourself. Our bodies can’t put up with the crazy pace of things indefinitely.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s