A Star in the Face of the Sky

Daniel my brother you are older than me
Do you still feel the pain of the scars that won’t heal
Your eyes have died but you see more than I
Daniel you’re a star in the face of the sky

~ Daniel by Elton John

Sometimes things just work themselves out and what a relief it is.

I’m staying put for now and it seems a huge weight has been lifted off my entire body. I’m almost giddy. California can wait. I haven’t gotten the offer and feel like I will not at this point. But even so, I will stay where I’m at.

I spoke with my manager today. I like and respect her versus the dick I used to work for. She definitely doesn’t want to lose me and is not afraid to praise me. I’m not used to that. It feels so good. She’s also a straight shooter which I appreciate (most of the time) HA!. She knows my struggles lately and had even heard rumor that I interviewed in Cali. She wants me to be happy but is happy and relieved that I am staying.

My performance at work was better. I smiled more. I slept better. I’m happy.

Everyone who knows me knows my love and attachment to Daniel. I love Sadie and she brings a light to my life that I can’t explain. I smile inside thinking of that little princess.

But my bond with Daniel is the strongest force in my life. Many times I wonder if it’s natural. Am I obsessed? I see other grandma’s relationships with their grandkids and I don’t feel it’s like mine. Is mine wrong? Am I selfish? I ask myself these questions.

I didn’t feel a bond with that little baby when Allison was pregnant so much. I was still not so happy to be a grandmother. I felt weird frankly and bit detached.

The minute I heard him cry down the hall after he was delivered, my world changed.

I was speaking with a coworker (who is a grandmother) before he was born. I discussed with her that I thought I would feel old. She said something to me that I’ll never forget. She told me that I would not feel old that I would feel young.

Those were the most real words that were ever spoken to me.

I became a kid again once he got old enough to run around in my backyard. We visited every planet. We fought every bad guy. We flew on spaceships. We saved people. We saved the world. We found the coolest of rocks and leaves ever imaginable. We became the rulers of an ice crystal planet with baby unicorns.

I became a kid in my heart, my mind and even in my body.

Its not easy these days because he is growing up. He seems so grown sometimes but the minute we go play in the park, he forgets he’s 8 and almost grown and and I forget I’m 50+ and we fight Zombies and save the world. He flies off trees and he’s invisible. He puts a protective shield around us. We save the world all over again.

He confides in me. We talk about all things. He knows that nothing is off limits. I know about his girlfriends, his kisses and his secrets.

We are friends.

We say goodbye to each other by saying “I love you and I like you.” Those are the truest of words.

He was named after the song by Elton John “Daniel”. He was also named after Franklin D. Roosevelt.

One day, he will leave me. I can’t leave him.

So for now, my heart is smiling.

The Oak is Falling. Timber!!!

I’m feeling emotional and weak.

I’m not writing this to be needy or dramatic (generally people that I detest). But I do want to use this blog to document my real feelings.

I’m still waiting for the company in San Francisco’s decision to hire me. I was told that it would be about a week and that was yesterday. I will get an answer “yeah” or “nay” regardless. I also do interviewing and hiring so I know it can’t come as quick as a week.

That’s good and bad for my emotions. It allows me to some degree to go on with my regular life. On the other hand, it keeps my life in limbo.

And still, I would rather not have to make that decision. I waver back and forth whether this would be a good move for me if I did get the offer.

The possible job offer aside, I would still be considered a wreck.

I feel out of control and a coward. It’s worse, I’m twice a coward: to make such a drastic move away from everything I feel comfortable with and so far away from the life I know AND to leave 2 littles ones that I love more than a Cali life.

I’ve always taken pride that I am tough, emotionally. I am the person you call “when the shit gets real” – a quote from someone who works for me about me. “Clutch” is what we call it around here. I get things done. In the end when things get tough, I come through like a boss. I’m not bragging but most people need someone like me in their life. Until now, they would run from me! HA!

I’ve done MANY risky things in my many years. Some that I am not proud of and some that have worked out well. I used to roll the dice more than I like to admit now.

And whether I get this offer or not, it has exposed me to someone different that I have ever thought I was. I think about that often. Sometimes, I don’t recognize myself. I notice that many times I’d rather lay on the couch and watch junk on TV than all the things active things I used to be involved in. It’s a struggle to make my ass get outside on a beautiful day like today.

And I am still grieving for my brother, Jimmy. I dwell on how his life was cut so short. I was his older sister so I feel maybe it should have been me. And if I don’t get my act in order, it will be me. I am noticing my health deteriorating.

I don’t see my brothers and sister the way I want to. My relationship with my son is not as good as what I think it should be. I don’t feel love or warmth from him most of the time. He probably doesn’t from me. I think its my fault.

I’ve thought of seeking counseling. But in my mind, that makes me weak and puts on display that I am unable to handle anything. I think of things others go through: cancer, losing children, struggling financially or addicted. And I am whining about my life changing. If I were looking in on my life as a stranger, I’d think I was pathetic.

Maybe I am a bit depressed because I am getting older. I’m on the downhill of my life.

I want the old Charlotte back. I’m working on that! I dwell on it so much that it has become unhealthy.

This weekend has been good. I ate healthy. I took Peyton and Eli to the dog park to play with other dogs. I worked out. I ran. I rode 20 miles on a bike ride on MKT trail on a beautiful day with temps in the 70s. I saw a Bald Eagle watching over his nest while his female was nesting. I walked and played with my dogs.

I want to keep this person on track. I want to be the “Oak” that most people know me as.

But I’m struggling.

Do I Wanna Be There in my City?

When the lights go down in the city
And the sun shines on the bay
Do I wanna be there in my city?

~ Journey – Lights


This past couple of weeks has probably been the most stressful of my life. And I am not holding up well. In fact, it’s a wonder that I haven’t had a heart attack (knock wood).

I flew out this past Thursday to San Francisco to interview with the Medical Device manufacturing position that I have blogged about. I was in a dilemma. I wanted to interview well but I didn’t want to get the job offer.

Yes, that’s weird I admit.

One of my biggest dreams has been to live in that area of the country. I’ve daydreamed of it many times.

I had come up sick a few days before the flight and it only got worse and I was as sick on the flight out as I have ever been. I feared that on the day of the interview that I would be a mess.

I spent all of Thursday driving around in the Bay area. I even drove up to Napa Valley. My interview was to be all day Friday…9 interviewers…yeah, I was looking forward to that for sure.

The town of Concord is in East Bay San Francisco. It’s a beautiful, ordinary Cali town. It was family oriented with low crime stats. It was a perfect American town. Palm trees, green lawns, orange and lemon trees in most yards. It is surrounded by mountains (Mount Diablo), vineyards and water that flows into the Bay.

It looks like a postcard.

I arrived at the company for the long day of interviewing.

They put me in a conference room called “Vineyards I” …. well of course it would be called that J

They had about 9 people lined up to interview me.

I believe I did well and impressed most of them.

I had lunch with my “would be boss”. I felt comfortable with him and I could tell he liked me. He was from Ireland but married a southern girl so maybe that was why.

They were very nice, professional, personable and thorough in their interviewing. I answered some of the same questions over and over trying to make the wording different as to not sound like a robot.

They were impressed with my acumen and several commented to such.

Of course I could be wrong but I feel that I will get an offer….

I hope I don’t….

I know it seems to make me sound flaky but I don’t want to have to make the decision to go there or not.

Remember….Daniel and Sadie still live in St. Louis.

Daniel practically begged me not to take the job. My heart was breaking as he was talking. He was saying he would never get to see me. I cried. How can I leave him?

He will leave me one day….but I’m not sure that I can be the one to break that trust…that bond.

How can I not watch he and Sadie grow up?

My heart would be sad for the rest of my life without them. It would make it worse if that was my decision.

I’m not very religious but I am finding myself asking for God’s direction.

I also know that makes me a hypocrite.

Kevin is supportive for whatever decision that I make. He loves Cali but he loves our lives here with our grandkids.

Meanwhile, I haven’t been running or training for 5 mile St. Patrick run in March or my half marathon that is set for April if I am still here.

I am eating poorly. I’m crying. I’m stressing. I’m obsessing.

If this offer is made to me and I turn it down….that may be my last chance to move to the area of my dreams.

So to me, it will be better if they do not offer it to me.

Thanks for reading J

California Dreaming or a Nightmare?

For many years, I have had a fantasy of living and working in the Bay area of California. I have daydreamed of that since 2009 when I first visited my husband’s home. My husband was raised there and I can tell he misses it everytime we visit. He moved here to Missouri in 2000.

I quickly fell in love with Santa Cruz, Half Moon Bay, San Francisco, Capitola, Napa and Big Sur…it’s like a fantasy.

For the last several weeks, a Medical Device Manufacturer in the Bay area has been courting me so to speak to come to work for them.

I interviewed on the phone several times and I was informed tonight that they are impressed by me and want to fly me there Friday if possible to meet the other managers.

I’m pretty sure the money will be right because of what I have already told them….

They will pay for relocation….

Concord is a beautiful and safe city.

It’s 30 minutes from San Francisco and beautiful beaches.

It’s 1 ½ hour from Santa Cruz.

It’s 45 minutes from Napa Valley.

It’s a couple hours to mountains.

What won’t be there??

Daniel and Sadie….my heart, my everything.