Daniel my brother you are older than me
Do you still feel the pain of the scars that won’t heal
Your eyes have died but you see more than I
Daniel you’re a star in the face of the sky
~ Daniel by Elton John
Sometimes things just work themselves out and what a relief it is.
I’m staying put for now and it seems a huge weight has been lifted off my entire body. I’m almost giddy. California can wait. I haven’t gotten the offer and feel like I will not at this point. But even so, I will stay where I’m at.
I spoke with my manager today. I like and respect her versus the dick I used to work for. She definitely doesn’t want to lose me and is not afraid to praise me. I’m not used to that. It feels so good. She’s also a straight shooter which I appreciate (most of the time) HA!. She knows my struggles lately and had even heard rumor that I interviewed in Cali. She wants me to be happy but is happy and relieved that I am staying.
My performance at work was better. I smiled more. I slept better. I’m happy.
Everyone who knows me knows my love and attachment to Daniel. I love Sadie and she brings a light to my life that I can’t explain. I smile inside thinking of that little princess.
But my bond with Daniel is the strongest force in my life. Many times I wonder if it’s natural. Am I obsessed? I see other grandma’s relationships with their grandkids and I don’t feel it’s like mine. Is mine wrong? Am I selfish? I ask myself these questions.
I didn’t feel a bond with that little baby when Allison was pregnant so much. I was still not so happy to be a grandmother. I felt weird frankly and bit detached.
The minute I heard him cry down the hall after he was delivered, my world changed.
I was speaking with a coworker (who is a grandmother) before he was born. I discussed with her that I thought I would feel old. She said something to me that I’ll never forget. She told me that I would not feel old that I would feel young.
Those were the most real words that were ever spoken to me.
I became a kid again once he got old enough to run around in my backyard. We visited every planet. We fought every bad guy. We flew on spaceships. We saved people. We saved the world. We found the coolest of rocks and leaves ever imaginable. We became the rulers of an ice crystal planet with baby unicorns.
I became a kid in my heart, my mind and even in my body.
Its not easy these days because he is growing up. He seems so grown sometimes but the minute we go play in the park, he forgets he’s 8 and almost grown and and I forget I’m 50+ and we fight Zombies and save the world. He flies off trees and he’s invisible. He puts a protective shield around us. We save the world all over again.
He confides in me. We talk about all things. He knows that nothing is off limits. I know about his girlfriends, his kisses and his secrets.
We are friends.
We say goodbye to each other by saying “I love you and I like you.” Those are the truest of words.
He was named after the song by Elton John “Daniel”. He was also named after Franklin D. Roosevelt.
One day, he will leave me. I can’t leave him.
So for now, my heart is smiling.