I’m feeling emotional and weak.
I’m not writing this to be needy or dramatic (generally people that I detest). But I do want to use this blog to document my real feelings.
I’m still waiting for the company in San Francisco’s decision to hire me. I was told that it would be about a week and that was yesterday. I will get an answer “yeah” or “nay” regardless. I also do interviewing and hiring so I know it can’t come as quick as a week.
That’s good and bad for my emotions. It allows me to some degree to go on with my regular life. On the other hand, it keeps my life in limbo.
And still, I would rather not have to make that decision. I waver back and forth whether this would be a good move for me if I did get the offer.
The possible job offer aside, I would still be considered a wreck.
I feel out of control and a coward. It’s worse, I’m twice a coward: to make such a drastic move away from everything I feel comfortable with and so far away from the life I know AND to leave 2 littles ones that I love more than a Cali life.
I’ve always taken pride that I am tough, emotionally. I am the person you call “when the shit gets real” – a quote from someone who works for me about me. “Clutch” is what we call it around here. I get things done. In the end when things get tough, I come through like a boss. I’m not bragging but most people need someone like me in their life. Until now, they would run from me! HA!
I’ve done MANY risky things in my many years. Some that I am not proud of and some that have worked out well. I used to roll the dice more than I like to admit now.
And whether I get this offer or not, it has exposed me to someone different that I have ever thought I was. I think about that often. Sometimes, I don’t recognize myself. I notice that many times I’d rather lay on the couch and watch junk on TV than all the things active things I used to be involved in. It’s a struggle to make my ass get outside on a beautiful day like today.
And I am still grieving for my brother, Jimmy. I dwell on how his life was cut so short. I was his older sister so I feel maybe it should have been me. And if I don’t get my act in order, it will be me. I am noticing my health deteriorating.
I don’t see my brothers and sister the way I want to. My relationship with my son is not as good as what I think it should be. I don’t feel love or warmth from him most of the time. He probably doesn’t from me. I think its my fault.
I’ve thought of seeking counseling. But in my mind, that makes me weak and puts on display that I am unable to handle anything. I think of things others go through: cancer, losing children, struggling financially or addicted. And I am whining about my life changing. If I were looking in on my life as a stranger, I’d think I was pathetic.
Maybe I am a bit depressed because I am getting older. I’m on the downhill of my life.
I want the old Charlotte back. I’m working on that! I dwell on it so much that it has become unhealthy.
This weekend has been good. I ate healthy. I took Peyton and Eli to the dog park to play with other dogs. I worked out. I ran. I rode 20 miles on a bike ride on MKT trail on a beautiful day with temps in the 70s. I saw a Bald Eagle watching over his nest while his female was nesting. I walked and played with my dogs.
I want to keep this person on track. I want to be the “Oak” that most people know me as.
But I’m struggling.