Saying Goodbye to My Life

I haven’t written in my blog for a long time. I think the last time was right after the Chicago Marathon. Maybe it was after the Super Bowl. I probably don’t have any readers anymore.

After years of dreaming of snagging that perfect job in the Bay Area of California, it happened. Not only did it happen, I had 2 offers from 2 great companies in the Bay Area at the same time. One was in Alameda and the other in Sunnyvale.

I eventually chose Sunnyvale. The money and relocation package was incredible. The company makes robotic surgery systems and instruments. It’s in Silicon Valley. It’s a coveted position that I never dreamed that I had a shot at. I almost feel like I don’t deserve it.

It all started a few months ago when my son informed me that he and his family was moving back to Tennessee from St. Louis for financial and work reasons. I was crushed but I put on a good face. I knew that day was coming but I didn’t realize it would be so soon.

Kevin and I always wanted to move to California and since they were moving, I thought it might be time for me to look at opportunities. Truly, I never thought it would happen.

I went to LinkedIn and put in notifications for manager of production in California reminders. I never dreamed so many Medical Device manufacturers were in the Bay Area.

I got emails and phone calls for phone screenings, Web-ex interviews and offers to fly out to San Francisco for full day interviews.

This has been ongoing since early February. It felt like a whirlwind and yet a lifetime ago.

Now comes the difficult part. I’ve been in a state of emotional ups and downs since February. I cry daily. It’s not that I’m not excited. I go back and forth between sadness, agitation, excitement and gloom. I pretty much stay in a depressed mood at the thought of leaving everything I love. Everything!

Saying goodbye to Daniel and Sadie are the hardest things I’ve ever done. I’m still crushed. That’s a sadness that I will feel for a very long time.

Leaving St. Louis was much harder than I ever imagined. I only lived there part time but I loved that city. I watched my kiddies grow up there. I ran hundreds of miles there. I went to ballgames, hockey games and parties that only St. Louis can throw. I’ll miss hanging out with Daniel and Sadie. I’ll miss picnics with Daniel. I’ll miss going to Tom’s Bar and Grill with him. We had many serious conversations over a beer and lemonade. I’ll miss the bars, organized runs, Forest Park, the Blues and the St. Louis Cardinals. I’ll miss Broadway Oyster Bar, Llyweln’s, Molly’s and Tom’s Bar and Grill. I’ll miss my apartment that gave me a special get away place. I ran my first marathon in St. Louis. 

Leaving Columbia is difficult. Kevin and I had a great life here. I find myself crying as I drive by places that I never noticed before. I noticed blooming trees in our neighborhood.

I said goodbye to my friends at Cardinal Health today. One had been my best friend for almost 17 years. We had a special relationship. He knew everything about my life. And I knew his. He was the person I went to when I wanted to talk about anything. I’ll miss my friend, Jerry.

But the thing that I can’t stop crying about is leaving my house…leaving my yard. I love this place. It’s been my place of comfort and joy for 10 years. It was the only house that Kevin and I have owned together in our marriage.

I’m looking around now crying knowing that in the morning when I leave for the last time….I will never see it again. I’m not sure I’m strong enough. I’m not sure where I will get the strength to leave that driveway. Especially because I’m leaving Kevin, Peyton and Eli. They will come out later in May.

I’m leaving everything I love. I feel weak and frail right now. It’s sad that my entire life will fit into a moving van.

I know that I would be miserable here in Missouri when Daniel and Sadie move away. I know that I would never get a fantastic opportunity like this one again in my life.

But that still is not helping the pain that I feel right now and likely for some time.

I start my 3 day drive there alone in the morning.

I have loved my life here. I love Columbia. I love St. Louis. I love Missouri. I’ve had a great life here. I know new adventures await me in Northern California.

Why am I paralyzed with sadness now?