My dogs have a doggie door that goes onto the patio, but for some reason, Eli or Peyton will come in my room in the middle of the night and wake me up to let them out the front door. They do like going there because is a bigger area than the patio for them to do their business but at 2:30 am?? One or both of them woke me up this morning and I could not go back to sleep. I laid there until 3 am or so and got up and made coffee. I was hoping to fall back to sleep on the sofa but I just couldn’t. I intended to take down Christmas stuff but I didn’t want to make a trip to my storage to get the boxes.
I felt like I wanted to write a long letter to my husband. I wasn’t emotional or crying. In fact, I have not shed a tear all day. I don’t have any intentions of mailing it but because I have never gotten to tell him how he affected everyone with what he did. As I read over my thoughts over and over, I starting feeling relief from the guilt of causing all of this…causing my own pain. In the end, I told him on the letter that I no longer take the blame for what happened to us like I always have and do. He did this. I know he’s mentally ill, but fuck him.
Its my own personal diary I guess you could say. Everytime I think of something that makes me sad or pissed off, I write in my diary. I write it, read it, think on it, re-write it. And I have felt much better the entire day. I no longer take the blame for his bullshit. That private diary may just be what I need to help me with these feelings. I can organize my thoughts and feelings. I needed to express to him what he did, how it affects us all and so many other things. It was so much more therapeutic than I ever dreamed. It was rainy and cloudy this morning so I did housework and would write. Another plus is that I don’t have to drag my friends down complaining about all the things that I still don’t understand about what happened. Anyway, except for work….I’m basically alone anyway.
But the day turned into beautiful, sunny day about 60 degrees. I felt good and my leg (sciatic nerve pain) was better so I took Peyton and Eli to another beach that I haven’t been to in a few months. Its about 15 minutes from my house. We drove there and I spent extra time driving through the redwoods, eucalyptus trees, along the coast with the windows down, blasting “Highway to Hell” and dog ears were flapping out the windows! I love the smell of all the eucalyptus trees in this area.
We walked the beach for a long time. Eli who usually makes a nice walk turn into an ordeal, was a sweetie. Both of them behaved like perfect gentlemen as we walked on the beach and in the surf. It wasn’t crowded. Have I mentioned how much I love Santa Cruz in the winter?
I ordered a few self help books that look like something I’d read. I’ve heard some good things about this book. I just started it tonight but it feels I will finish it soon. It was my Christmas present to myself and it came in today. Merry Christmas to me!
Today was a good day. I cherish it and plan another one tomorrow!