Reset

Since I have moved to California, I have noticed that I live in the past or the future. I relive and miss my old life and I fear the things that will happen in the future. I can never just enjoy the present. I’ve really always been that way to a small degree. And because I am now anxiety ridden with the occasional panic attack, that makes me live in a small personal hell some of the time in my own head. This is causing me to miss out on so much. I read an article about “enjoying the season of life that you are living.” Why can’t I do that more easily?

But, I am working on changing that. It’s been a slow journey but progress is being made. I’ve spent a lifetime being a manager as a profession. So, I use a manufacturing tool to help my personal life. I chart my good and bad days and watch the trends! :-). I use smiley faces and frowny faces for my trending. I’m professional like that! 🙂

A Joke, I don’t Do This!

I look for trends but as long as I see progress, I am a happier person/manager. I used to feel like I should see sustained upward improvement. And when I have down days, and I do have several, I’d get depressed thinking I wasn’t getting better. But, now I understand it’s just a down day and not a trend. But the manager in me knows the ups and downs will always be there. I’m trending in the right direction. I want to be the person that I used to be. I can’t let go of that thought of being content, strong and adventurous person again. I have to come to the realization that person may not come back. Content is my goal.

So, I need to reset.

I’ve struggled with how to do that for a few months. I’m getting better. Remember my smiley faced chart? 🙂 At work, we are having to clean our cubes readying for a move, and I stumbled onto a book that I had taken from the box under a my previous manager’s desk. That person is now a personal friend. And this little book is a great guide to where I want to be. Its a simple read and is immediately helpful. It’s called “Eat That Frog.” It improved my thought process the minute I started reading it. Both at work and in personal life. It made logical sense. In an emotional time of my life, I need to find logic again. I need to weed through emotions and think straight. I need to be effective again!!! My lawyer told me something that I didn’t want to hear it but he told me “he was not going to be General Custard leading me to a certain death situation regardless of my emotions.” 🙂 And I wanted Gen. Custard, goddamnit! 🙂 But he’s right. I’m thinking with emotions.

Eat That Frog – Brian Tracy

So, in my exploration of things to make my life more simple. I came across the idea of minimizing the junk in my life and particularly “Becoming Minimalist.” And have become a big fan of Joshua Becker while searching YouTube for videos on downsizing, organizing and simple living. I am not his kind of minimalist but his words inspire me.

I have boxes of things that I’ve carried to every house I’ve ever moved to! Things I can’t let go for some reason. And I guess that’s a thing…..Hoarding! Well, I’m not that but I do hoard memories. I have a storage that I pay $189 a month filled with memories.

So, the concept is exactly what I have been looking for. I want to live calmly and intentionally. That would make me content. Content is my ultimate goal. My mind is still racing with things I want to get into. And it’s not important if I stick to everything…its like I’m exploring myself.

But a couple of things have stuck. Cooking, baking and organizing. I am decluttering my life. I am like a manic person a lot of the time. I have to be going or busy. Cooking and baking slowed me down. It felt good. It brought out the creative person in me. I was once an artist. But cooking and especially sourdough bread baking gives me a creative outlet. Everyone needs one. I am still dedicated to eating a more healthy diet that I cook. And I still do that. It makes me feel good preparing my meals and the meals of my dogs. Again, It slows me down.

I feel strongly and for the first time that I am headed in the right direction. I no longer feel obligated to do things that I don’t want in my personal life. It feels freeing but it can be lonely. Most people who know me know me as a very social person, outgoing and makes friends easily. I’m not that person anymore. Covid isolation and those masks made people not like each other…be afraid of each other. People in Santa Cruz are not that friendly. But I do have my Sunday 8am morning dog meet up group at the school’s soccer field behind my house! 🙂 We are known by our dog’s names. Hi Peyton and Eli’s mom! 🙂

Stay tuned to hear more of my journey to a more simple, calm and content life and enjoying Peyton and Eli instead of worrying about losing them all the time. They are healthy for their ages and they are very loved.