Turning Anger and Sadness into Something Else

My dogs have a doggie door that goes onto the patio, but for some reason, Eli or Peyton will come in my room in the middle of the night and wake me up to let them out the front door. They do like going there because is a bigger area than the patio for them to do their business but at 2:30 am?? One or both of them woke me up this morning and I could not go back to sleep. I laid there until 3 am or so and got up and made coffee. I was hoping to fall back to sleep on the sofa but I just couldn’t. I intended to take down Christmas stuff but I didn’t want to make a trip to my storage to get the boxes.

I felt like I wanted to write a long letter to my husband. I wasn’t emotional or crying. In fact, I have not shed a tear all day. I don’t have any intentions of mailing it but because I have never gotten to tell him how he affected everyone with what he did. As I read over my thoughts over and over, I starting feeling relief from the guilt of causing all of this…causing my own pain. In the end, I told him on the letter that I no longer take the blame for what happened to us like I always have and do. He did this. I know he’s mentally ill, but fuck him.

Its my own personal diary I guess you could say. Everytime I think of something that makes me sad or pissed off, I write in my diary. I write it, read it, think on it, re-write it. And I have felt much better the entire day. I no longer take the blame for his bullshit. That private diary may just be what I need to help me with these feelings. I can organize my thoughts and feelings. I needed to express to him what he did, how it affects us all and so many other things. It was so much more therapeutic than I ever dreamed. It was rainy and cloudy this morning so I did housework and would write. Another plus is that I don’t have to drag my friends down complaining about all the things that I still don’t understand about what happened. Anyway, except for work….I’m basically alone anyway.

But the day turned into beautiful, sunny day about 60 degrees. I felt good and my leg (sciatic nerve pain) was better so I took Peyton and Eli to another beach that I haven’t been to in a few months. Its about 15 minutes from my house. We drove there and I spent extra time driving through the redwoods, eucalyptus trees, along the coast with the windows down, blasting “Highway to Hell” and dog ears were flapping out the windows! I love the smell of all the eucalyptus trees in this area.

We walked the beach for a long time. Eli who usually makes a nice walk turn into an ordeal, was a sweetie. Both of them behaved like perfect gentlemen as we walked on the beach and in the surf. It wasn’t crowded. Have I mentioned how much I love Santa Cruz in the winter?

I ordered a few self help books that look like something I’d read. I’ve heard some good things about this book. I just started it tonight but it feels I will finish it soon. It was my Christmas present to myself and it came in today. Merry Christmas to me!

My Christmas Present to Myself Came In

Today was a good day. I cherish it and plan another one tomorrow!

Letting Go

On Christmas Day…..

Until a few days ago, I still held out a little hope that my husband would return to the person that I knew and loved. I miss him. I felt him in bed with me this morning for a moment. I thought I heard him making coffee. It’s not the first time. But I pray it’s the last. 

I have to push forward. Find things that give me pleasure and happiness again. I want to feel contentment. 

Today is the day that I must let go.

I drove around this morning visiting all the places that he and I loved in Santa Cruz. I was sad and cried a lot. I dreaded it but felt it was necessary. I have to find my new normal in my life. I can’t avoid all the beautiful places here in Santa Cruz just because they bring those memories. I saw happy people. I saw couples holding hands and even kissing. I cried. I needed a hug from him.

But that is over. He is someone else, now.

I have to find the strength to find another path for the rest of my life even if my life is not much longer. There is not longevity in my family, unfortunately. 

I don’t know what my new path will be yet. Maybe I’ll choose to try do something differently, challenging or maybe I’ll just float along day by day for the rest of my days. Maybe I’ll fall in love again. I crave that feeling. But, I don’t know. Maybe it’s not important yet to make plans.

Today was a good day. I took the pups out early to chase the tennis ball and run in the morning surf. I walked them home to stay while I drove the coast. Jeez, I love it here in the winter. Plenty of places to park along the coast, not like when summer is here. The beaches are mostly empty except locals, the surf is loud this time of year, sea lions are loud and sea gulls are all around. It’s heaven. 

Its time that I stop blaming myself or thinking I could have done something different to save my husband. I can no longer fool myself that one day he will wake up his old self and want to come back. That’s not going to happen. Its quiet possible that I will never see him again or every know what is happening to him. 

Merry Christmas from Santa Cruz, CA

Invisible

My intention of starting my blog again is to help myself. I thought since I have no one to talk to in person and this would be my way of expressing my feelings without adding drama to other people’s life. I don’t have many readers anymore but this will help. I welcome any comments and advice.

I have people who reach out to me but I try to not lay any drama on them anymore. I know that tires easily with people. My dogs are great listeners; however.

I’ve had 2 pretty good weeks dealing with all the emotions and the holidays upcoming. But today I feel lonely and broken a bit.

Unfortunately for me, my son and his family are only about 30 miles from me but I’m not allowed to be around them due to covid. I guess I should understand but it seems so cruel that my daughter in law set this rule when I needed them so badly after my husband deserted me. I thought I was part of their “Covid Pod” in a way. Now, I know my importance to the pod. That hurts too.

They seemed supportive at first and were around me a lot. I live in Santa Cruz and they love it here! We did beach things. I even felt excited and strong during that time. I noticed it at first slightly that my DIL was tense or anxious when they would come to visit me. There was no fucking way I will wear a mask in my own house. I shopped for Thanksgiving…lots of money for the meal and excited to have them over. I had just gotten back from TN when I was at my nephew’s memorial. My DIL text and suggested we do thanksgiving outside, social distance and wearing masks. I was already suffering mask anxiety from the flight to and from TN! I just agreed with her to cancel it. Since, we barely speak. Occassionally on snapchat. I have seen my grandkids 1 time in the last 3 months.

I have been there for them their entire married life with emotional and financial support. I have never asked one thing of them in return. My grandson is so into video games and so many emotional problems, that he never calls or answers texts. My granddaughter, the same. The kids are like robots or slugs. Covid has ruined so many kids life, we will never understand the effects. I never hear from my son except a gratuitous text every now and then.

Today has been a rough day because I had a deadline today to send off disputed taxes from 2018. I needed my husband’s signature and nothing more. So I text him to ask him to meet me to sign. I am timid and afraid to even contact him. I’m either afraid it will hurt my feelings more or scare me. His text and emails to me today seems robotic and professional. It had no personal feeling in them at all. He refused to even discuss it and warned me to stay away. That hurt me again. I’m like a stranger to him. He’s a stranger to me. I keep thinking I’ll see a spark of the man I loved for 20 years. He used to love the dogs more than his own life. He could care less that they are aged and full of health issues. Peyton, my oldest is going blind. That is the thing about his behavior that shocks people who know him….. just coldly leaving his dogs.

My husband of 20 years feels I am putting him in danger if he met me, he wouldn’t sign the paper of taxes that we owed. I can’t understand any of this. I had to contact his lawyer. So, I’ve been very emotional all day.

So, today, I am feeling sorry for myself. I feel invisible.

Living Someone Else’s Life

Since I’ve moved here from my comfortable life in Missouri, I’ve gone through many challenges and changes.

Sometimes, I look back at events to see where that little “life turn” happened. Sometimes its within your control, sometimes its not. Within 2 months of me moving here, I received a call that was my “life turn.” I remember exactly where I was with my husband. We were in a Greek café in Mountain View. My baby brother called me to let me know he didn’t have long to live. He died less than a year later. I was crushed.

I think I’ve always been thought of as a strong, self assured, resilient and assertive woman whether it was true or not. But now, I was in a new environment, new job, financial stress of the move, missing my kids, my baby brother died. I worried about my health all the time. I had lost my other brother a few years back.

So, all this started breaking me down. I could feel the change, it wasn’t even gradual. I changed into a person I barely recognized as I struggled with trying to get back some part of control or joy that I used to feel. I’d try to run, hike, go to the beach or travel with my husband to feel good in some way. I thought of death constantly after my brothers death. And I was so homesick for Missouri. I missed my old life unbearably. Those were the best years of my life where I was content and confident. So as the depression got worse, I cried all the time. It became severe. I had serious thoughts of ending it all. I had never felt that kind of grief and depression. I didn’t know how to feel better. I felt like I was living someone else’s life even though that sounds weird to say it.

I have had bouts of short depression much earlier in my life, but this one was almost debilitating. I managed through it at first. Only a few people knew it. I became so different. I went to a therapist, but to be honest, she didn’t help. Maybe for a day or 2 but not for long term.

At first, my husband was sympathetic and supportive. But as time went on, I could tell he seemed distracted and barely cared. He was used to seeing me strong and not needing much attention from him. I felt that once I became weak, emotional and needy, he couldn’t deal with it. He would spend a lot of hours in his office on his computer and often up late even when he had to work the next morning. He stopped going places with me and the family and he grew tense anytime that he took me out. He stopped giving attention to the dogs. Whom he had always adored. He would do the minimum walks, feeding etc. but it was like he didn’t acknowledge them. He seemed robotic often just going through motions or actions. If I inquired, he’d get angry or agitated and he would bulge his eyes or more like a glare like he was under pressure, even at simple life things.

So to help me, my doctor put me on meds for depression in Sept of 2019. The first few weeks were hard taking the meds but after a couple weeks, I was starting to feel better and was able to start feeling more engaged with work and life. I was hopeful.

2020

It started out as a bad year with a tragic family event back home, a close relative attempted suicide. And in March, Covid-19 hysteria hit like a tornado. I felt like I was living in bizarro world. It felt surreal to me. It also made my mental issues worse. I get very anxious wearing a mask. On top of being sheltered in place with my husband, we were getting ready to move to Santa Cruz. It was our dream place to live. We found the house we loved and it was a 5 minute walk to the best private beaches in Santa Cruz. Even with the epidemic, we felt good about moving to Santa Cruz. Or so I thought.

In April of 2020, we had an argument. I truly felt it was an insignificant or a nothing argument. He walked out and that was it. At first, he would come around to see the dogs and it seemed he regretted leaving us. I saw him cry a few times when he would come to walk them. A few times, he hugged me crying. I was so confused. I remember once him crying and saying how hard this was for him. I didn’t understand any of it. It seemed he tried to come back or at least be friends at first, but he gradually started behaving stand offish again. His mother died soon after he left. He never called me and I tried many times to call him to talk to him about it and he would not answer phone or text. He wouldn’t contact grandkids or the dogs. He would tell me that he would contact them in “due time”. Even with my emotional issues and being all fucked up, I felt it sounded bizarre. What was “due time?”

My best friend and husband of 20 years was gone. He made it clear that he didn’t want anything to do with any of us. I tried a few times to reach out to him to discuss divorce amicably. He rarely answered emails. He changed his phone number. He had given me his address in a document so one day after work, I dropped by his apartment after he agreed to meet me somewhere to discuss next steps and stopped answering the phone, emails and texts.

I was a bit scared to even see him face to face because he had been so different and strange. I knocked a few times and he opened the door and peeked out. He looked surprised to see me. I said “Hi” and he opened the door wider. His face changed from surprise to anger. He gritted his teeth and pointing his finger and trying to get me to leave. He was keeping the door so I couldn’t see in and I thought he was gritting his teeth and talking low because maybe someone was in there with him. Maybe another women or someone. I asked him if he was alone. He said yes and started angrily telling me to leave. He was saying “you don’t know what you have done.” He seemed more scared than angry. I left shaking and crying. I did not know him anymore. After I got home, I noticed he had emailed me the most bizarre, rambling email, mentioned hearing me say things that were absurd that I never said! He was hearing voices! He talked about people after him, cult activity and by coming there I put him and myself in danger. He mentioned that “they” could have followed me. He was speaking about cult and other bizarre things. He even told me that my family and me were being warned.

That was in August, that was the last I have heard from him except through his lawyer. The divorce is in process.

Its been 8 months since the separation and I still love the person that I had known so long. I miss him daily. My heart is broken. I’m worried about myself, my job. But I still love him. I’m worried about him. I never hear from him. He told me point blank he didn’t’ want anything to do with me, the dogs or the kids. He made it crystal clear. He has no one to help him but he doesn’t even realize he is sick. I wonder all the time how he is doing. But more than anything, I feel I am grieving my husband, my best friend and that pain is almost unbearable sometimes. To be ghosted and left not understanding what happened. That is what I’ll have to live with. I’ll never know what happened.

And with Covid shutdowns, watching more and more homeless and hopeless people not working, my own broken heart, sadness, loss of social contact, my depression had gotten to a level where I no longer wanted to get out of bed. I did work but more often I worked from home but I felt unengaged and I couldn’t even hold a thought for longer than 2 minutes. My job performance was low but my manager and my co workers were supportive and help me through it at work. I will forever appreciate how they carried my load while I tried daily to pull out of my emotional state. I took a few medical leaves to try to help me get through it. Nothing helped.

Before Thanksgiving, my nephew died so I flew home to Tennessee to be with my sister and attend his services. The plane ride was pure hell. My anxiety made that plane ride misery. But I made it. I spent time with my sisters, nieces and other family members. It was good to be with my family. I came back home and Thanksgiving was here. I spent it with my two dogs. But I make an effort every day to get better. There is no doubt in my mind, I would not be here without my dogs. Many days I can hardly go to work because leaving them causes anxiety so bad that I can’t drive. I’m working through all of this with my doctors.

Christmas season has been lonely but I am finding ways to feel good along with my dogs. Its been a struggle every day, but the last 2 weeks have seemed to turn around. I get support from a couple friends and some family but its all virtual due to new shelter in place. California is such a mess. Its leaders could care less.

I am feeling better. My last 2 weeks felt good. I was totally engaged at work and had energy. I didn’t feel anxiety attacks except once this past week and it ended quickly. I didn’t cry as much and not at work. So I keep my fingers crossed that I will soon feel like seeing what I will do in the twilight of my life.

I live in a beautiful area with my 2 dogs. I love my job. But I will be alone for Christmas due to Covid-19 Lockdowns in California. But as of tonight, I feel hopeful that I’ll be fine.

Merry Christmas from Santa Cruz, CA.