My intention of starting my blog again is to help myself. I thought since I have no one to talk to in person and this would be my way of expressing my feelings without adding drama to other people’s life. I don’t have many readers anymore but this will help. I welcome any comments and advice.
I have people who reach out to me but I try to not lay any drama on them anymore. I know that tires easily with people. My dogs are great listeners; however.
I’ve had 2 pretty good weeks dealing with all the emotions and the holidays upcoming. But today I feel lonely and broken a bit.
Unfortunately for me, my son and his family are only about 30 miles from me but I’m not allowed to be around them due to covid. I guess I should understand but it seems so cruel that my daughter in law set this rule when I needed them so badly after my husband deserted me. I thought I was part of their “Covid Pod” in a way. Now, I know my importance to the pod. That hurts too.
They seemed supportive at first and were around me a lot. I live in Santa Cruz and they love it here! We did beach things. I even felt excited and strong during that time. I noticed it at first slightly that my DIL was tense or anxious when they would come to visit me. There was no fucking way I will wear a mask in my own house. I shopped for Thanksgiving…lots of money for the meal and excited to have them over. I had just gotten back from TN when I was at my nephew’s memorial. My DIL text and suggested we do thanksgiving outside, social distance and wearing masks. I was already suffering mask anxiety from the flight to and from TN! I just agreed with her to cancel it. Since, we barely speak. Occassionally on snapchat. I have seen my grandkids 1 time in the last 3 months.
I have been there for them their entire married life with emotional and financial support. I have never asked one thing of them in return. My grandson is so into video games and so many emotional problems, that he never calls or answers texts. My granddaughter, the same. The kids are like robots or slugs. Covid has ruined so many kids life, we will never understand the effects. I never hear from my son except a gratuitous text every now and then.
Today has been a rough day because I had a deadline today to send off disputed taxes from 2018. I needed my husband’s signature and nothing more. So I text him to ask him to meet me to sign. I am timid and afraid to even contact him. I’m either afraid it will hurt my feelings more or scare me. His text and emails to me today seems robotic and professional. It had no personal feeling in them at all. He refused to even discuss it and warned me to stay away. That hurt me again. I’m like a stranger to him. He’s a stranger to me. I keep thinking I’ll see a spark of the man I loved for 20 years. He used to love the dogs more than his own life. He could care less that they are aged and full of health issues. Peyton, my oldest is going blind. That is the thing about his behavior that shocks people who know him….. just coldly leaving his dogs.
My husband of 20 years feels I am putting him in danger if he met me, he wouldn’t sign the paper of taxes that we owed. I can’t understand any of this. I had to contact his lawyer. So, I’ve been very emotional all day.
So, today, I am feeling sorry for myself. I feel invisible.