As I reflect on 2020, it makes my heart sink pretty deep so I try to avoid thinking of it as much as I can.
I was listening to one of my favorite songs “Landslide” by Fleetwood Mac. And it fit how I felt. A Landslide brought down the world I’ve known for 20 years.
“I took my love, I took it down
I climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills
‘Til the landslide brought me down”
In one year, I lost everything. I lost my husband of 20 years, my financial security and I lost my relatives here which are my son, daughter in law and grandkids. I say relatives because that’s how I view them now versus family. For most of my life, I have taken the blame for any shitty thing that has happened to me. That feeling had kept me depressed since the separation. After a long struggle, I came to realize that while I am a most imperfect person, none of this was my fault. That did relieve me a bit emotionally after some therapy but it doesn’t change the fact that I am alone. My family is Peyton and Eli. They are senior dogs with several illnesses. So I feel they won’t be around for many more years. I’m trying to prep for that.
And how it was done was a most cruel action by both my husband and my kids, maybe inadvertently. I went for months thinking I deserved it. Maybe I didn’t act like I should have. Maybe this shit, maybe that shit. Always putting the blame on myself. I still have moments of wondering what I could have done to change it.
But I also know that just because something is not my fault doesn’t mean its not my responsibility to set it right. Which is what I am working on. It’s hard and lonely, but I can do this.
In words, my husband of 20 years is a paranoid and borderline schizophrenic. He thinks I am part of a cabal of some kind that is out to get him. I could go into the long details but he is not even close to the same person that I knew. His face even looked different when I last saw him in August. So after he walked out saying he no longer wanted to see me, the dogs, grandkids or anything in our life and he alluded to that I present a danger to him. There is no communication with him. He doesn’t communicate with his real blood family. He is afraid of me. He’s afraid of everyone. He peeks out windows, sees people following him and all are out to get him. He truly believes he is in danger. And its nothing I did. He believes in cults, conspiracies and luminati type stuff. I can’t even begin to understand how that happened in front of my eyes for 20 years and I didn’t know it. I knew he was paranoid and believed in aliens, bigfoot, lochness but I never dreamed he thought I along with my son was part of a conspiracy to hurt him. He is in a cult of some kind that is battling evil. Some people say he left us to protect us. So fucking funny. He has never done anything for anyone else let alone try to protect them. So that’s bullshit. Anyway, doesn’t matter, does it?
And for my son and his family. Politics wrapped in Covid shit caused them to drop out of my life when I needed someone so much. I believe politics have made them mentally ill. In other words, they used Covid to keep me from the kids and them. This happened suddenly after they had helped me out the first couple months. So I don’t know why she suddenly got scared about being around me for covid reason. I think she used this excuse to push me out of the kids life. And do she did. I have seen my grandkids in person 1 time in the last 5 months. And they live 30 minutes from me. I refused to wear a fucking mask in my own house. But what really hurt me was when they jilted me after I came back from my nephew’s funeral in Tennessee. My daughter in law informed me that due to covid, she wasn’t bringing her family to my house for Thanksgiving. I was blindsided by that request especially after coming back from an emotional funeral of my nephew….my sister’s only son. I had purchased $250 worth of grocery for Thanksgiving. She was kind enough to inform me that if I wore a mask and ate outside, she would do it. No. And what even hurt worse was finding out that they delivered some goods to homeless people in Tenderloin district that weekend. You may not know Tenderloin district in San Francisco, but normal people won’t walk there without a hazmat suit on purpose. Yet she took the kids there. But I was a danger to their health.
I think they either secretly or deliberately think I deserved this because I’m entitled?
I actually handled that better than you might think. I am trying to adjust my thinking realizing I don’t have family. That is how I feel. I have dogs. Daniel is so mentally disturbed, I don’t know him. He doesn’t talk to me. I think his parents political illness has got a hold of him. They have never made the kids understand that they need grandparents and so now, they don’t have me. I don’t think they are getting him help. Sadie says she misses me and we do facetime every now and then. Its not the same. I don’t feel the same. I have divested emotionally from them all. I’m trying to deal with things in my control. I still love them but I don’t care to be around them anymore.
I needed my son and his family so much. I was suicidal, depressed, couldn’t work for a while. They stopped visiting or calling. I was devastated. I had no one. Still have no one.
My son even commented that I had such an entitled life, a little bump in the road like covid shutting down everything, divorce after 20 years, fires this summer burning everywhere I loved to hike just caused depression and I couldn’t handle it. A little bump. Entitled?? I’ve heard Daniel use that phrase also describing people. Everything in their life is political. They get rid of people who don’t vote or believe like them.
I am doing much better. I don’t feel depressed so much. I feel lonely but in many ways, I am enjoying living with just my dogs! They are my everything right now. When I think of them leaving me, I almost get paralyzed with anxiety and sadness. How will I make it then?
My work is going well. I stayed fully engaged even in my non working hours. This is good. It always makes me feel good when I feel like I am performing well. So, there’s that.
I live in Santa Cruz but work in Silicon Valley. I stay local on weekends. There is so much to do and see. I’ve also gotten heavily into gardening and cooking. I grow and tend to succulents. I also recently started subscribing to “Imperfect Foods” so I am trying to show off my chef skills which are non-existent.
Eli suffered a terrible injury while we were hiking so there was a big set back with him. He injured his doggy ACL hiking. He’s 10 years old and has arthritis so he may not fully recover. We keep our walks short and slow. Peyton’s eye sight is getting worse by the week. He has cataracts. Both mainly like sniffing around anyway so I let them enjoy the smells. Eli also had a hematoma on his ear that had to be removed $$$. Eli still limps most of the time. I feel responsible for that so that set back my emotional progress over the last several months. I’m attached to my dogs that many days it is hard for me to leave them all day. I have a doggie cam so I can watch them but I rarely do because I am so busy at work.
And for me, I’m getting fucking old. I can’t really exercise much right now. I had an MRI which showed a buldging disk in my lower back. It pinches off my sciatic nerve. I got a steroid shot last week but honestly, it feels a little worse now. Doc said it can take a couple weeks for full effect. I also do daily stretches and exercises for my sciatica. Fingers crossed that soon I will be able to exercise and hike. I will likely never be able to run again and I do miss how I felt when I ran. I hope I can do it on a small scale soon. I’ve gained almost 20 lbs during the landslide. I thought divorce made people get skinny? Not me. My eating habits haven’t changed that much but my activity level is embarrassing.
I do like my neighbors in Santa Cruz and my 2 dogs are the hit of the community. Everyone knows those 2 big brown dogs walking with the lady with a limp! haha
The divorce is in process. All paperwork filed. Not sure what is next. I try not to dwell on it.