Saturday, April 10 was the one year anniversary of being deserted by someone that I thought loved me and that I have trusted for almost 20 years. It was the ultimate betrayal. I still feel it everyday. Its been the hardest thing that I have tried to overcome. The feeling of sadness, worthlessness, unimportant and unloved never leaves me.
But his illness is not stopping him from trying to take half of everything that I have earned. He earned nothing, no 401k, no stock, not shit! But I worked my ass off and he is taking it. A dickless piece of shit he is. Our divorce hearing is sometime in May. I’m not ready but ready for this to be over. I want to get rid of his shit name. I want my Daddy’s name back.
It still feels new to me. I still relive that day. Should I have done something different? I should be feeling better now, right? A few weeks ago, I had another breakdown (for lack of a better word). I left work crying many days. I was filled with such anxiety it was hard to leave my house. Leaving the only things that love me everyday (Peyton and Eli) is a challenge I face every morning. I still came in to work today. I feel much better when I do get to work but its hard telling myself that I need to get out. I work from home on the worst days. My manager has been great and understanding during this time. That has been a plus for me.
I started a new routine to help me…hopefully. I started doing a small amount of exercises each day and meditating for about 10 or 15 minutes per day. I’m desperate when I start meditating and doing yoga! I’m desperate! I plan to start a yoga routine tonight.
Last week I felt much better. One of my best friends, who does care about me and checks up on me daily, invited me out to happy hour with her team from work. It was awkward for me but felt good being with people who laugh. I will meet up with them again. I need to get out. Just to be with people felt strange to me.
Deserted and secluded is not healthy for me, I know that. But seclusion feels comfortable.
In trying to find myself and stay busy, I took up cooking! For 20 years, my ex was the cook and a very good one. He introduced me to cuisines that I had never tried. So now, I’m learning to cook, make bread and many other things. It has given me a lot of pleasure, satisfaction, frustration and a sense of pride. I have a chef’s type kitchen in my beach house. I made homemade greek yogurt this past weekend and it was weird at the pride I felt! I have been ordering imperfectfoods.com for the last 6 or 7 weeks. It has helped me become disciplined and a planner. I hate wasting anything so that is my goal. Eat what I buy. No waste. I have not visited a grocery store in almost 2 months. What I can’t get from imperfect foods, I get at our local farmer’s market.
Anyway, no one reads my blog anymore but it feels good to put my feelings down.