On Christmas Day…..
Until a few days ago, I still held out a little hope that my husband would return to the person that I knew and loved. I miss him. I felt him in bed with me this morning for a moment. I thought I heard him making coffee. It’s not the first time. But I pray it’s the last.
I have to push forward. Find things that give me pleasure and happiness again. I want to feel contentment.
Today is the day that I must let go.
I drove around this morning visiting all the places that he and I loved in Santa Cruz. I was sad and cried a lot. I dreaded it but felt it was necessary. I have to find my new normal in my life. I can’t avoid all the beautiful places here in Santa Cruz just because they bring those memories. I saw happy people. I saw couples holding hands and even kissing. I cried. I needed a hug from him.
But that is over. He is someone else, now.
I have to find the strength to find another path for the rest of my life even if my life is not much longer. There is not longevity in my family, unfortunately.
I don’t know what my new path will be yet. Maybe I’ll choose to try do something differently, challenging or maybe I’ll just float along day by day for the rest of my days. Maybe I’ll fall in love again. I crave that feeling. But, I don’t know. Maybe it’s not important yet to make plans.
Today was a good day. I took the pups out early to chase the tennis ball and run in the morning surf. I walked them home to stay while I drove the coast. Jeez, I love it here in the winter. Plenty of places to park along the coast, not like when summer is here. The beaches are mostly empty except locals, the surf is loud this time of year, sea lions are loud and sea gulls are all around. It’s heaven.
Its time that I stop blaming myself or thinking I could have done something different to save my husband. I can no longer fool myself that one day he will wake up his old self and want to come back. That’s not going to happen. Its quiet possible that I will never see him again or every know what is happening to him.
Merry Christmas from Santa Cruz, CA