Willow or an Oak?

I haven’t updated in a while so I’ll give a little update.

15 months later, still no final divorce. I won’t go into details. I don’t want to waste energy thinking or talking about it. I’m just ready for it to be over. Maybe Septemberish? I was told by my second lawyer. Dumped my first one. In our court appearance, his lawyer looked and acted like F. Lee Bailey, mine looked and acted like Pee Wee Herman. They are trying to financially rape me. Judge slapped my lawyer around, let F. Lee talk. I didn’t feel good about that. Ok, that’s all I want to say about that.

Work is going well. Things are getting back to normal. They removed mask mandate for those vaccinated. Nazi’s win again. This country is so fucked. California is fucked times infinity. I’m glad I’m on my way out instead of on my way in! 🙂 So I did have my first shot in early June and second one scheduled for 7/01. Nice….I’ll be sick all holiday weekend!

I have started giving some thought to having a personal life. I don’t make much effort now. Sadie was giving me advice a few weekends ago. She told me that I need to dress better and put on make up! haha. She said men won’t like my dirty t-shirts! 🙂 I’m still married legally and just not really into a real relationship at this time. I had a couple simple talk and walk the wharf dates….can’t get into it. I really want a man friend. I need a gay man friend to hang out with! 🙂 Go to restaurants, bars, concerts. I’m a Blues Music lover and a couple good blues clubs here. No offense to women friends, I love women friends. I have a couple of the best. But I miss male companionship besides Peyton and Eli! 🙂 I’ll see….maybe soon.

I still love to cook and prepare all my own meal. I still order all my grocery from imperfectfoods.com and visit my local farmer’s markets. Its become a passion, especially sourdough bread baking. It’s not about the eating, I still have to try to cook for one and not over eat. I cook for the week and put things in containers. I’ve lost about 14 lbs…but I’m at a stand still. I cook and eat my own food so that probably accounted for 14 lbs. Now, I need to cut back to get the rest of the weight off. Or increase exercise. That is my goal!

I still have some minor hip issues sometimes, so long hikes are out for me right now while I’m still healing. Plus I don’t like long hikes alone. Peyton and Eli are mostly unable to do any hiking that is over a couple miles. They both have hip dysplasia and their little back legs get wobbly after a little bit. I try to keep their walks short and simple. They enjoy the pee sniffing and spraying. Who don’t? 🙂 Occasionally I will take them to the beach but they love running in the water, but their bodies pay for it later. They still think they are puppies, so it’s up to me to make sure they don’t overdo it. But I get joy out of watching them on the beach. Much like me. I’m very young in my mind, but my body tells a different story! 🙂

They both have become intolerant of any food that I tried them on. I was spending a fortune on dog food just to have them throw it up! Peyton would just absolutely walk away from it even when he was hungry. They are both very old now, so their stomachs need something different. I consulted my vet about making their own food. I know the combinations of what their diets need. At least it gives me someone to cook for. So now, I make their food. I’ve been doing it for almost a month and I can tell such a difference. Their coats are beautiful! They look like little puppies. 🙂 They are more active. They rarely throw up, with exemption of Eli who eats gross shit and throws it up occasionally. Peyton doesn’t breath heavy as much as he did. He has liver issues. And he is almost completely blind. He can see shadows or movements. Sometimes he gets lost in the yard and I have to help him find his way. I love these dogs. The only thing that mental midget ever gave me in 20 years was these dogs and some excellent appliances for my kitchen!

All in all, I think I am getting back to my old self. I remember a quote my brother used to say “I used to be an Oak, and now I’m a Willow.” Love and Miss you, Barry James Barber.

Another court date tomorrow with my new lawyer, wish me luck!

Born to Run…or was I?

Day number one of my 30 day challenge to not eat sweets, junk food or fast food. It’s 6pm and I’m doing good! HA

It’s going to be hard to not eat more tonight. I am going to try to not to after 6pm unless in extreme duress! 🙂

I got in a little late to work this morning due to icy roads and I didn’t get a break from the time I stepped in until I left.

I was even too busy to get hungry. Kevin packed my lunch and I love him for it. It makes my day much better and helps me to stay on track with healthy eating.

I am still not exercising except walking per surgeon’s recommendation because of where my open scar is located. I now have one on each hip. I need to be running but weather is so bad even if I could. We run in a couple of weeks in the St. Patrick’s Day 5 Miler. I will never make it without walk breaks. 5 miles through downtown St. Louis is very hard. I’ve run it the last 2 years. Over 13,000 runners are in that race. I love it and will do the best that I can. I am hoping to start doing some running toward the end of the week.

I don’t even feel like a runner anymore and that gave me such satisfaction. Maybe I’m over-reacting. I want to run.

I guess bread pudding for Mardi Gras is out?

Bitch, Bitch, Bitch

I have been very busy at work this week. I was looking forward to Mardi Gras and St. Louis this weekend but now they are calling for very cold, icy rain and a lot of snow.

I am getting another place on my left hip that has wound separation. The other places are healing but another one coming. I am getting very concerned that I am not healing. All the scabs and wounds are not very attractive! Maybe I’m worrying too much. My arm scars are healing pretty good with the exception of a place under my right arm. He said it was caused by the stitches trying to spit out but said it would go away. The surgeon said that all the stitches would be completely dissolved by 4 months so I’m counting on that. I have a follow up appointment with him next Friday and my yearly mammogram tomorrow.

I am a bit frustrated that I am unable to take the rest of the 5-7 lbs off. The weather is too cold to run. I can’t believe I am saying that when I used to love to run in winter. I have also been instructed by my doctor to ease up on exercise because of the area where my wound separation is. I’m very frustrated. I am not eating well. I had to drink most of my protein today.

So in summary: i’m frustrated at work, diet, exercise, weather 🙂

Tomorrow….

Portions, My Friend

Portion Guidelines

I count my calories daily but I am not honest about portion sizes. As time goes on, my portion sizes are getting bigger and bigger. I was reading an entry another blog the other day “Why You Should Quit Trying to Lose Weight” http://guysandgoodhealth.com/2014/02/20/why-you-should-quit-trying-to-lose-weight/” and it dawned on me while I was trying to cheat the system, I was cheating myself.

When I eat a bowl of cereal, I count it as a serving and a serving is usually one cup. And if you take for instance that a cup of Mom’s Best Raisin Bran is 170 calories per cup and you fill that bowl, you are likely getting closer to 2 cups which is a difference from 170 –> 340!! Big difference!

So, back to measuring and weighing food. And I really need to leave cereal alone. I could eat it for all 3 meals several days a week. Then I have to drink my protein which I hate.

March 2 is the beginning of my “No sugar, No Junk Food” 30 day challenge. I’d start on the first but the big Mardi Gras celebration in St. Louis is on the 1st and I’m sure Hurricanes and King Cakes have sugar!

I’m about to leave work and make that long drive home to see my honey and my puppies. St. Louis Blues are playing tonight so I don’t have to spend the entire night watching “Criminal Minds.”

I “heart” Joe Mantegna

….Everyone knows that a woman can't judge measurements…. 🙂

Later……

Those Damn Facebook Drama Queens

Drama, drama

I admit it, I’m a prolific facebooker. I enjoy staying in contact with friends, family, acquaintances and even make a few new friends. I never friend co-workers. I don’t want to know what they do and I certainly don’t want them to know what I do.

If not for Facebook, I’d never see or know what is going on with friends, ex co-workers, high school friends or relatives that live in other cities or states. I get to see weddings, babies, graduation etc. I enjoy Facebook. I keep up with area runners and what 5ks are going on in the city. I like occasional recipes but not the constant flood of butter and sugar soaked baked goods! Well, ok I do like those things. haha

But I can’t stand drama! And not a big fan of all those meme’s passed around and “If you love Jesus, share this” haha I don’t do those.

So….I have a Facebook loyalty dilemma. My best friend in high school married my cousin. He left her for a woman he met on Facebook. It crushed her to the point that I am not sure she can or will get over it. He’s my FB friend and so is she. He married this other woman and she has requested that I friend her. I don’t know her but I see what he posts about how much he loves his new wife. They do look happy. If I add her as a friend, my high school friend will definitely be hurt.

My surgeon told me Friday to stay on an appropriate amount of calories to maintain and don’t try to lose right now. He’s concerned about me trying to lose weight and not getting proper nourishment that helps in wound healing. I’ve added more protein to my daily intake. He also asked me to hold off on exercise other than walking right now because of where the wound is located.

I want to start running again. Saturday just wetted my appetite! But it’s still cold and since my surgery, I can’t tolerate cold. I used to do my best running in the winter but since my surgery I get so cold. Maybe it’s because the surgeon removed 12 lbs from around my mid section? haha

Anyway, maybe I’m getting lazy.

Endless Love

With Food.

I’m writing this today because I can’t get my mind off my weight. I have an almost paralyzing fear of getting fat again.

I have been fat for most of my life. I could blame my parents, friends or just being from the south but that’s not why. We southerners pride ourselves on cooking the richest most caloric comfort food imaginable. I don’t remember any traumatic event that made me overeat.

I remember the first time I became aware that I was more than just plump. Maybe I was 10 or so and overheard the doctor tell my mom that if I kept gaining weight at that rate, I’d end up in a wheelchair. I was crushed. My mother did things to try to help me after that such as buy things we considered diet foods then. I think I ate canned tuna and english peas solid for 2 weeks! haha She paid for me to join Weight Watchers and that wasn’t easy as poor as we were.

When I was 14 or 15, I did get to my goal weight of 137 lbs which is small for me. I’m 5’8″. I felt pretty and loved that feeling. From then on, being fat devastated me. I gained that weight back. I felt ugly. I felt worthless and not important.

I just liked to eat. My brothers and sisters were not fat but they ate the same things I ate. I wasn’t active. I did play some sports with my dad and brothers but for the most part, I was a couch potato watching westerns: Gunsmoke, Big Valley, Lancer, High Chaparell….all my favorites!

I lost the weight again at 17 years old. I bought the cutest clothes and enjoyed people and particularly boys liking me. And at 18 I got married and pregnant soon after and that sealed my fate! Fat for life.

I love food. I consider myself a foodie. I’ve heard people equate foodaholic with alcoholic but I’m not sure it’s the same. You must eat and you don’t have to drink alcohol. So to me, a foodaholic has a lesser chance of beating that demon.

I’m a social eater. I love trying new foods and restaurants. I have over the last few years learned to appreciate the beauty and taste of food not the quantity.

I can never go on a diet that I can’t live my life by. I don’t over do it but I don’t exclude things I love. If I want a Cadbury Egg, I have one and either account for it in my calories or do extra exercise.

I regret not loosing the weight years ago.

(Brachioplasty scar is getting better and better)

Kids and Dogs

I had another great day. I’m still suffering a bit from my Plastic Surgeon digging out stitches that are supposed to dissolve but are causing problems and wounds from healing properly.

Kevin, Daniel and I were so tired last night that we went to be early…9:30pm ish. Kevin went to Whole Foods to make salads for he and I. He made Daniel grilled cheese and tater tots! 🙂

We woke up early and had a great day. Daniel had rocky road ice cream at the Coffee Cartel after he had pancakes for breakfast! I can’t describe how I feel about Daniel and how good it makes me feel to spend time with him.

I am still recovering from running on Saturday. I’m a pussy. lol I need to start road running this week weather permitting.

Kevin made a healthy and delicious Chili Con Carne. I’m full as a tick now.

The dogs are settled in on the couches beside me. I look forward to that every night. I know they get jealous when Daniel and Sadie are around. So I’ll give them extra loving tonight.

I’ve been enthralled with Third Reich and Hitler shit this afternoon. I am mesmerized by the actually footage of things from Germany in that time. Sick fucker.

I’m dreading work tomorrow. It’s going to be hell week there!

Peace Out…

(Daniel and Rocky Road at Coffee Cartel)

(Mommy and Eli Selfie)

Running for Beads

My first 5k of the year was this morning. It was the annual “Run for Your Beads”. It was a beautiful day in St. Louis and people in Soulard were ready to dress up, party and run. I felt right away that I wouldn’t be able to run the entire way since my surgery and no real chance to run since then. So, I invited Daniel to run with me and we had a great time! As usual, he stole the show and when we did get to the finish line, so many people were cheering that charismatic little 6 year old who finished a 5k. It was awesome. Women were giving him beads and wanting their picture made with him. It was challenging for me to keep him encouraged along the way to keep going. We did stop so he could get water and of course we stopped where the Anheuser Busch Clydesdales were outside grazing. And he stopped to get beads that were thrown his way. He even wore my Ipod and headphones. I think he liked running with music. I had a great time. We then all went to breakfast at Hammerstone’s where all of Soulard was out early celebrating Mardi Gras.

Kevin and I kept Sadie for a few hours so the kids could take Daniel to see the Lego Movie. We took her in her stroller for a nice walk through the neighborhood and she had a great time. It’s so awesome to witness babies discovering things with their eyes. When we got home, she took a long nap and woke up in the best mood.

Daniel wanted to spend the night again so he and Popeye (Kevin) are playing Batman II on the Play Station and the dogs and I are curled up on the couch.

I had a good day…

I am as sore as when I ran the half marathon. I really have to get back into routine road running. I’ve missed it 🙂

Oysters and Beads

I had my follow up appointment today with my surgeon. He didn’t think the places looked so bad on my hip and back. They did look better until he dug around in the wounds with tweezers! He was pulling the sutures that were spitting out. He said that is what is causing the wound separation. I was bleeding like crazy but I think it will help the healing. I come back in 2 weeks.

Kevin and I went to Johnny Brock’s dungeon to buy Mardi Gras beads. I love collecting weird and pretty ones. We ate dinner at the Broadway Oyster Bar…my favorite place to eat anywhere. I had oysters on the half, bloody Mary’s and Voodoo Shrimp.

We visited with the kids a while. Sadie Bug is so sweet and cute. She’s so fun to be around. Daniel is spending the night and laying right beside me watching Ben 10. I’m happiest when he is around.

I think he’s going to run with me in the 5k in the morning. He and I ran one together in November and he finished and he’s 6 🙂

Community Support and March Events!

Thanks for the mention!

Shop Like a Chef - A Food Lover's Guide to St. Louis Neighborhoods

I recently got some love from a beautiful blog Third Story(ies) on Valentine’s Day. It’s a colorful blog about a lovely house and gorgeous food, so glad the book is in the hands of another inspired cook!

And we are proud to be #3 on the blogroll of the super inspiring blog, I Run in the Rain! It chronicles a woman’s journey from an unhealthy weight to a new life of health, it is exciting and heartfelt.

There are a few events in the works for March, and not just your run-of-the-mill signings either!:

Matt and I will be giving a talk at the Schlafly Branch St. Louis Public Library on March 13th at 7pm as part of their month long celebration of Food!! We will be signing books too, but also talking about the book, shopping, and food.

I am also proud to say that we will have…

View original post 32 more words